


To Heal in Time(Discontinued)

by Lavenderdripp



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Toxic Avenger - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everything Hurts, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tony, Long Shot, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Out of Character, Post-War, Rating May Change, Recovery, Rude-centric, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Strangers, Tags Are Hard, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, steve - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2019-10-13 16:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 38
Words: 29,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17491208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavenderdripp/pseuds/Lavenderdripp
Summary: The war is finally over but the tension is still sitting untouched.Tony feels like he has lost almost everything.  His friends, his family, and himself.Someone wants  to make amends with Tony. Hopefully for the both of them, things will start to look up and things will finally heal.All it will take is time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy,
> 
> It's your somewhat socially black gal ready to deliver this mess as best as I can 💖
> 
> This is my first shot of writing anything Avengers and I'm so fucking siked!!! I'm a multiple shipper, so this WinterIron ship is kinda my second favorite out of five at this moment. 
> 
> Chapters are preferably short, so I should be able to update every other day or so. 
> 
> Chapters are ranging up to 50 or 100. I dunno yet, depends on how I feel as I continue this story.
> 
> This story is very moody and angsty for the first few handful of chapters but I promise things are starting to look up.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr- stressedbutstillalive

  


#  _ To Heal in Time  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Tony lays on the hard ground for a minute, letting the adrenaline slow down to a halt. He feels the exhaustion finally kick in like a solid wall against his body. He lets his eyes close. 

  


Just a minute. Just a minute, he just want to lay down and finally  _ rest. _

  


Hasn't had time to rest ever since being brought back and down to Earth.

  


Hasn't had the time to rest ever since Captain America looked at him with regret and sorrow in his eyes, words being left unsaid  between them, tension running deeper than their bones.

  


Hasn't had time to rest ever since finding out that Pepper move on without even  _ knowing _ if he was still alive. That must of been so hard for her.

  


Hasn't had time to do anything for that matter. Other then put his game face on and work with his old team to win the war.

  


And boy, did they win.

  


Defeating Thanos once and for all took a lot out of all of them. 

  


Defeating Thanos gave them everything they had lost. 

  


Barton was reunited with his wife and two kids. That was a happy reunion to witness.

  


T'Challa came back and was reunited to be King once again, his little sister throwing her arms around him like she refused to let him go.

  


Steve- Captain Rogers was even reunited with his long lost and reunited twice already best friend, James Buchanan Barnes. Rogers patted his friends back affectionately before pulling said man into a bear hug, which the man accepted easily with a happy but tired expression.

  


And here Tony was, layed out against the cold ground of the aftermath of the battle. no one surrounding him accept for Romanov, who stood and watched the reunions with a relieved smile on her face. There wasn't even a glance towards his way.

  


And for some reason, no matter how much Tony had told himself over and over again, it hurt more than he would ever admit out loud.

  


But, it's okay. Because he was used to being alone. Has been for those four months of being stuck in space, not being able to actually finding his way home.

  


He has had enough time to sit and think about everything that has already happened up into that moment of clarity. 

  


Tony halls convinced himself that he deserved it.

  


He deserves to be ignored. Deserves the sidelong glances of uncertainty and mistrust.  He deserves everything that anyone has ever thrown at him.

  


At least that is what he convinced himself being stuck on the spaceship. With nothing but his own little devices and thoughts to keep him company. 

  


It doesn't help the fact that not even Peter was here to lessen the feeling of being utterly alone. Tony assumes the kid has made his way back to his aunt. He's sure that Parker got the biggest warm hug from the pretty lady.

  


Tony is just so exhausted. He wanted to go home and just sleep. He didn't want to deal with the aftermath of winning. He didn't want to deal with the media that will now be springing back to life, now that humanity is in order. Well, in order as best as it can be.

  


But here he is,laying down on the battlefield still, unable to move to get up or do anything.

  


He stares up into the sky, looking at how bright it looks right now then it has ever looked in months. He stares unblinkingly, looking into the clouds and lets himself be pulled in into the sunlight. He let's is wrap around him, almost chokingly.

  


But it's not helping. No matter how warm he is feeling, gathered by people that helped stop the madness, he still isn't warm enough. 

  


There is chatter of joy and relief and  _ chatter _ surrounding him, but here he lays…

  


Eyes unblinking, looking up into the sky and he lets the tear fall from how hollow and empty he is feeling inside. He lets the silent tears fall for his impossibly lonely he is.

  


It's apart of him now.

  


The loneliness That is. It liked to visit him at his worst and for some reason, this time around, it doesn't seem to want to leave.

  


It quite enjoys twisting and wrapping itself around Tony's heart. 

  


And Tony lets it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, I figured to go ahead and update this chapter since it was already done.
> 
> Heads up once again, 
> 
> This book has more angst then even I am used too. But trust me, when I say that when the fluff comes, you are going to be drowned in it.
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy 
> 
> (P.S.- please follow my Tumblr. Link at the end of chapter)

  


  


Tony couldn't sleep.

  


He tried to fall asleep for the first time in his bed last night. Had his eyes closed for a good ten minutes and just as he was going under, all he could see was Peter's face looking at him with fear in his eyes. All he could see was Peter's body breaking down into dust before he was gone completely. All he can remember is how empty his hands had felt once the boy was gone.

  


Tony couldn't sleep.

  


So he made his way back into his workshop. He has been tinkering with anything he can get his hands on for the past eight hours, hasn't moved from his spot not even once.

  


It's not like he needed to fix up anything or change something. But he felt a little comfortable being back. 

  


It helped the fact that Tony just couldn't seem to be asleep for no longer than two hours for a past few days.

  


It’s not a real good sign when Tony can feel his bones protesting and whining for some rest.  _ Any _ type of rest. But Tony didn't  _ want  _ to sleep.

  


Not if everyone if drifts off, he can see the faces of the ones he lost. 

  


Not if everytime he closes his eyes, he can see Steve hovering above, only to bring down the edge of his shield against his chest plate,  shattering it from the force of the blow. 

  


Tony was  _ exhausted _ . He didn't want to fall asleep but he just wanted to rest. 

  


Ihe didn't know how he can achieve one goal without doing the other. He knew that he needed to rest to ease his exhaustion. 

  


But,

  


He was terrified. 

  


Terrified of what or whose would come across his dreams.

  


Terrified of the not so  _ knowing _ what his dreams would even be about. 

  


So, he didn't sleep. He sat in his workshop with no music playing or anything for that matter.

  


Everything was just quiet.  Too quiet to his liking. 

  


He was used to notice of chatter and bickering and music and soft sounds going on throughout the day.

  


But, he has lost that treasure in one way another.  Because there is no one even willing to even sit down with him and talk. There was not one person that would be here for him if he so needed them.

  


Okay, so maybe he is pushing it a little bit.

  


Pepper has been calling at least twice a day but Tony has not gained the courage to pick up the phone. 

  


It has been five days since Tony has been back home. Five days of barely getting no more than two hours a day of sleep or no sleep at all. 

  


Five days  since Tony has had the courage to pick up  _ any _ calls that come through his cell 

  


Five days since he shut down FRIDAY  because he couldn't bare to hear her voice at this moment. He felt like he almost had a panic attack once he first entered his home.

  


It's just been so long being in a familiar place that just didn't even feel like home in the moment. 

  


And that terrified Tony more than he will ever admit to anyone that even thinks about asking.

  


Will the Avengers Tower ever even feel like home again after  _ everything  _ that has happened?

  


Tony really doubted it ever will.

  
  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


[tumblr-stressedbutstillalive](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/stressedbutstillalive)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE. 
> 
> I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT AND LOVE TO HEAR ABIUT WHAT YOU GUYS THINK!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just on a freaking roll with this updating thing, aren't I?
> 
> But then again, these chapters are only ranging from 500-1500 a chapter.

 

It has been ten days since the war has been officially over. 

 

It has been ten days since Tony has locked himself up in his workshop. Ten days of barely eating. Ten days of barely sleeping. Ten days if barely living.

 

Tony hasn't even been able to work on something. Anything for that matter. Has just tinkered around with his old equipment and would always end up staring ahead of him,looking at nothing in particular. 

 

Just simply staring ahead into nothing.

 

He knows this is just ridiculous of him. He has dealt with so much in his whole entire life and has went along perfectly fine.

 

_ But has he  _ **_really_ ** _ dealing with it? _

 

No, he suppose not. 

 

He's been putting on a fake smile on for over a decade now. Lips spreading into a wide grin and teeth showing. Insulting remarks falling from his lips and reckless behavior his go to when the shallowness was growing too close to home.

 

For so long, Tony has has his way of dealing with things. Good or bad. Neither could be considered a decent  ways a dealing. But it was  _ his _ way. Something that he called his own and held on for so long.

 

Now, He feels as if He cant even crack a smile anymore. Nor laugh or insult someone just to piss them off. He feels numb

 

He  _ hates _ feeling numb. 

 

He would much rather be doing something else other then sitting back in his chair staring at the blank wall that used to have all his old armor decorated against.

 

His phone is laying on the table in front of him, almost dead by now since he hasn't charged it in two days. But he know it was on because not even 30 minutes ago, another call from Pepper came through. 

 

He should call her back.

 

He  _ knows  _ Pepper is worried like crazy for him and is still surprised that she hasn't made her way through his flat on top of the tower. She worries about him more than his own parents ever had.

 

Pepper could be the only person that has cared of or him without pretending to not care for him. His father had held his own worries and concern about Tony by giving him a tough and difficult life growing up. Harsh and barking tones were his things and sorrow filled eyes were hidden behind the stone in front of it.

 

Tony has grown used to it. So Pepper being open about how much she cared had always boggled him.

 

He shakes as he reaches for his phone and turns it on by clicking on the side button. Eighteen percent. Enough power to call…

  
  


The phone rings only once when Pepper answers the phone and her voice fills his ear.

 

“Tony?”

 

Tony cannot help the sob ripping from his throat when he hears her voice through the speaker. 

 

“Hi.” 

 

Is all he is able to say when his voice his thick and broken and his chest heaving up and down.

 

“Can,” he has to suck some air in his lungs, not being able to breath with the weight  _ smacking  _ him right in the gut, just by hearing her voice. “Can we talk. Will you come to talk to me? Please?” 

 

He doesn't know why he is begged.

 

Pepper doesn't even miss a beat. Her reply coming quick and sharp.

 

“Are you home? I'm coming right over.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!!
> 
> I LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE THAT IS WILLONG TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES!
> 
> HAPPY SHIPPING!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter almost reaching 1k, crazy!
> 
> Pepper enters this chapter and my oh my is she angry...
> 
> Please enjoy!

 

Barnes was just exiting his room when the door had knocked on his and Steve's two bedroom apartment door.

 

Steve, who was sitting on the couch at the time, has stood up to open up the door. 

 

Barnes has just made it into the small living when steve had cracked the door all the way open and there stood a tall slim lady with wild fire red hair. She was dressed in white pants suit, not a wrinkle to be seen anywhere on her clothes. Her painted red lips wer pulled into a tight lipped grin, eyes seemingly hollow as she stares at Steve unblinkingly. 

 

“Caption Rogers.” She stated.

 

Steve, whose posture seemed to suddenly tense just stared at her with an open mouth expression, eyes wide and blinking like he was trying to figure out if what he were seeing was real.

 

After a long and awkward beat of silence, the red head sighed and shook her head before making her way past a shocked Steve, inviting herself when without an invitation. 

 

As soon she stepped foot into the living room, Steve was in motion.

 

Door closed, Steve rounded on the lady.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

He had asked,  voice dripping with uncertainty and shoulder tight with tension and nerves.

 

Barnes wasn't sure what was going or how Steve new the pretty lady. Old fling possibly? Maybe Steve had something going on with her and it ended on a sour note. Probably why Steve was so tense.

 

But when the lady opened her mouth,  Barnes got a different answer he was thinking of.

 

“Mr. Stark has suffered from insomnia the past month and has barely gotten no more then twenty-five hours of sleep altogether. He is being hospitalized due to him not taking proper care of himself. I am simply informing you because you are  one of the two in his emergency contact information.”

 

Her voice was clipped and emotionless,but her eyes are blazing with something Barnes wasn't sure he wanted to describe.

 

Stark is being hospitalized...and for some reason, that information shoves the knife of regret in his gut deeper than it already was.

 

Barnes had, and still does, regret what he has done to Stark's father. Not because Barnes liked the man much (in fact,he had always disliked the older Stark, with his egotistical personality)but because he can remember Stark's face once he found out the truth. The anger and betrayal and  _ hurt _ plastered on the face still haunted Barnes today.

 

Steve stood frozen in his spot with an expression of… his face was blank. With they way his whole body was tense, Steve heard her loud and clear, and just didn't know how to react.

 

The lady shook her head, arms now crossed over her head. She glances at Barnes and tilts her head a little. Doesn't say a word, eyes roaming up and down before flicking her eyes away and meeting Steve's eyes.

 

“Is,” Steve begins, and then clears his throat before speaking again. “Will he be okay?”

 

The woman doesn't say anything at first. She simply looks around the room , as if it was the most fascinating place she has been in. But then Steve speaks up, louder and clearer this time.

 

“Pepper, will he be okay?”

 

The redhead named Pepper whirled her head towards Steve, eyes flashing  _ danger _ . Barnes tenses up at the intensity of them. 

 

“My name is Miss. Pott and you will  _ only _ call me by that name. He will be fine, not like you'd even cared.” she snaps at him, voice rising, eyes shiny with angry and unshed tears. “I am only here because I would be in great trouble if I didn't let you know.”

 

She stalks towards the door, her calm posture broken and and body tense with anger. 

 

Steve looks broken as he tries to reach out to Pepper.

 

She turns around, putting up her hand to stop him. She takes a breath before speaking, voice now calm.

 

“You  _ left  _ him broken, Rogers.  _ Broken.  _ You could have fucking  _ killed _ him with the blow you landed against his plate. I hope you feel good about yourself. He's even more damaged due to this chaotic war, but  _ you _ are a part of it. No matter how many times you two had argued, he  _ trusted  _ you. With almost everything he had. But you broke that trust by keeping something extremely important away from him. You are no friend of his and I have lost all respect for you.”

 

And like that, Pepper had the door opens and was gone in seconds. 

 

It was quiet for a second, Barnes face expressing shock and bewilderment. 

 

“what did she mean you almost killed him?”

Was the only thing Barnes could say after the initial shock had dulled down a little bit.

 

But Steve wasn't listening. His body was still facing the open door, unmoving. 

 

Barnes made his way towards him and grabs at his arm to turn him around, speaking firmly and clear.

 

“Steve,  _  what _ did she mean you almost killed him?”

 

Steve still didn't say anything. As Barnes had turned him fully around to face him, Barnes was shocked to see unshed tears in his friends eyes, face blank.

 

Barnes knew something had happened after Tony had blasted off his metallic arm in a fit of anger, but Steve had never spoken about it. Not once was it brought up after the first time Barnes had asked him what happened. 

 

And now, here stands Steve with tears almost falling from his eyes. It hurt to see Steve like this, but with the way the lady Pepper had reacted, Barnes was really thinking about whether Steve deserved it or not.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!! COMMENTS ARE DEFINITELY WELCOMED!!
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR: stressedbutstillalive 
> 
> Happy gay shipping!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may have not had this done in under 30 minutes last night... and I may or may have not almost forgotten to post it until now.
> 
> Either way, your friendly black gal got a new chapter out now!
> 
> This chapter is honestly not much, letsjust say Tony still feels like shit.
> 
> Enjoy you amazing and gay shippers

 

Tony had finally did it.

 

He has finally hit rock bottom. Has let himself come to the point where he has to be hospitalized due to him not taking care if himself. He knew not sleeping well would cause problems for his health. He  _ knew _ that. 

 

But he couldn't sleep. No, that's not necessarily the correct way of explaining it. Tony could very much fall asleep, but could not  _ stay  _ asleep. His mind seemed to always wander on Peter's face before he dissolved into dust completely.  His kind always seemed to wander on Steve's face right before he slammed his shield against his chest plate, shattering it in the process. His thought was turned into something… disturbing that has happened to him or to someone he cares about.

 

He didn't  _ mean _ to get to the point of have major headaches that turned into migraines. Or unable to function correctly after the not sleeping for damn near four days. He definitely didn't mean to black out for god knows how long only to wake up from Pepper shaking his shoulder hard and hysterically crying for him to wake up.

 

The doctor had told him that his insomnia had caused him to pass out due to his lack of sleep, which had made perfect sense to him. He just wished he didn't have to be in hospital. He'd much rather just rest at home. But Pepper had given him a _ look _ and decided not to argue with her. 

 

So now Tony is stuck in the hospital for at least the remaining of week. And that just made Tony feel even more shitty then he had felt before.

 

Nothing in his life ever seemed to be normal for him. His parents weren't normal people. His high intelligence isn't normal. His whole fucking life has not been normal and he doubts that it ever will be.

 

After checking up on him for the second time since being in the hospital, his doctor had left the room after telling him that he would check on him once again in the morning and to get some rest. Before leaving, the doctor has given him two sleeping pills for the night and Tony could already feel the perks began to do it’s works. He was told that he should sleep through the night with ease,  and god was Tony praying for that.

 

Pepper had left with a ‘see you in the morning’ and a frown plastered on her face. Tony had sighed and laid his head back, feeling even more guilty then he has felt in awhile.

 

Pepper has been his rock for the last week. Picking up when he calls and visiting him on her free time. Although it wasn't much, it meant everything to him. Considering the fact that no one has bothered to stop by, not even her. And that….didn't surprise Tony much at all. 

 

His parents weren't their to give him a pat on the shoulder (not like they would even do so…). No one from the former Avengers team had stopped by. Not even Happy has stopped by to see him. And Happy and him were pretty much joined by the hip in some way. Not that he really blames him much. Happy has lost his wife at the time and Tony was sure they were just catching up on loving each other.

 

Tony wished that he had someone to love him other then he and Pepper’s difficult relationship. Because, of course. Nothing is ever easy and normal in his life.

 

As Tony lets his mind go blank and exhaustion and sleep take over, his last was once again that he would never have a normal life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I'm just on a role! Gotta another chapter already ready for you beautiful/handsome ass people. And hey! I finally fit the 1k mark on this one. Yay!
> 
> This is featuring our favorite assassin gal, Natasha. Lets just say... she "kindly and professionally " tells Steve exactly how she feels. And well... you know Steve. Denial and shit.
> 
> Happy gay shipping! 🌈

 

 

“He's not speaking with me.”

 

Is the first thing out out Steve's mouth when Romanov visits the apartment Steve and Bucky share. He was looking down at her with a grim expression and searching eyes. Romanov cannot help but think of how Steve is always searching for something. He had always had that look when he is determined or irritated about something. Romanov thinks he's irritated this time because his muscles are tense.

 

She doesn't miss a beat when she walks in and begins to speak immediately. 

 

“Are you two fighting?”

 

She looks around the room, looking for former soldier… no assassin. Former assassin because Bucky definitely killed a lot of people during his lifetime,  whether he did it willingly or not.

 

Steve picks up on how her eyes scanning around the open space. “He's not here right now. Got pissed. Walked out. Dunno when he'll be back.”

 

Romanov doesn't speak for a moment, taking in what Steve had said. She gets comfortable sitting onto the dark brown couch in the middle of the small living room. 

 

“So you two are fighting.” 

 

She says once again, but more of an statement then question and turns her full attention of the Captain, looking at him with a blank facial expression.

 

Steve doesn't speak for awhile, standing by the door still with his arms crossed over his chest. Then he lets his shoulders drop and his head falls forward toward the floor.

 

“He's been questioning me about… Siberia. About Tony...” 

 

Steve lets his voice fall off, flashbacks of the event coming back and surrounding his mind like a plague. No matter what he did, he always seems to think about what happened. Always thought about the  _ hurt _ glued on Tony's face. He will remember his face then.

 

“I'm assuming you haven't told him what you did to Tony.”

 

Romanov doesn't give way with her expression of indifference, features perfectly smooth and not a frown in place. But her eyes are bright and staring  into Steve's and Steve feels defensive in that second. 

 

“He doesn't need to know what happened. “ He snaps, then lets out a frustrated groan and paces a few steps in front of him, only for him to turn around again. He continues to do so as he speaks again. “Bucky doesn't need to know what I did to Tony. He had nothing to do with it.”

 

Romanov never misses a beat so her response was swift and smooth.

 

“He had  _ everything _ to do with what you did.”

 

Steve snaps his head around, his expression morphing from frustration to anger. Romanov doesn't even bat an eye as they stare at each other just several feet away from another. 

 

“What I chose to do was all on me.  _ Me _ ! Not him. He had nothing to do with it.”

Romanov sighs and flips her blonde hair over her shoulders, now touching her shoulders as she let it grow out the past few months.

 

“What you  _ did _ , whether you like yo admit it or not, was for Bucky. Your actions are yours, I'll give you that,  but you had Bucky on your mind. Therefore, it had everything to do with him. You know this, Steve.”

 

Romanov's tone dropped low, clipped and professional. Steve felt like he was being spoken to as if this was simply business.

 

Steve seemed to be opening his mouth to say something else, tense or rough around the edges as always, before Romanov cuts in to speak her share.

 

“what you did are your actions. Bucky was your friend,  so you felt like maybe… maybe you had to protect him.”

 

Romanov sits silent for just a moment and lets Steve store her words in his mind. 

 

“I may not have liked Tony. He was a self righteous, egotistical man since the day I met him. But he was a decent man. Did what he had to do. All you had to do was tell him the  _ truth  _ of what you knew. But you kept it a secret until it blew up in your face. Consequences were to be followed.”

 

She speak loud and clear, eyes boring into Steve as he stood frozen. 

 

Romanov was taught to be relentless. She was good when handling the questioning at SHIELDS. Top notch actually, one of the best.

 

So, with that being said, she wasn't going to sugar coat what she says just because this was her friend standing in front of her. She wasn't going to stay quiet on this topic like she did in the past months of knowing what Steve had done. It wasn't her style to keep quiet and is surprised she let it slide until now.

 

“Tony had done some stupid crap in the past that we've both witnessed. Tony had did some pretty amazing crap that we've also both witnessed. What you did, by not  _ telling _ the man about his parents  _ is probably  _ the most  **_shittiest_ ** decisions you've made since I have known you, Steve.”

  
  


“You kept a pretty big secret from him which ends up blowing up in both of your faces and you damn near kill the guy. Steve, you could have caused serious and permanent damage.”

 

It is quiet after she is done speaking and Steve is still frozen in his spot, eyes wide, shoulders tense. Always tense.

 

She can tell that Steve is frustrated. Can tell that he wants to snap at her and defend and  _ deny deny  _ **_deny._ ** Somehow, he is quiet, deep into his own thoughts of ‘what ifs’

 

Romanov knows he will want to be alone now after what she had brought to him. 

 

Romanov can tell that Steve will be difficult,   _ is _ being difficult when he jaw locks up and his eyes glare into hers. But that's okay. It doesn't faze her much.

 

She said she felt was needed to be spoken about. She does not have any regret for what she said. Doesn't have any ounce of regret holding onto her after saying her share.

 

She makes her way off the couch towards the door and stops beside a irritated Steve. And meets his eyes.

 

“You'll need to tell him sooner or later. If the newly reunited friendship is important to you in anyway, tell him. Or you might just ruin that too.”

 

Natalia Romanov was already out he door before he could get a word in, brushing by a seemingly very angry Bucky along the way.

 

Sooner than later she says….

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't mind me posting/reblogging stuff that has a lot to do African American, uplifting African Americans, cooking and food, random character shipping (because ya girl is in love with multiple ships), etc....
> 
> Please follow my Tumblr 
> 
> Stressedbutstillalive


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, and here I really am back with another update. That's crazzzzy! 
> 
> In this mini chapter, Tony is finally home and is feeling down( because duh) Then he feels better. But ultimately down. You're mostly gonna see him degrade himself and become determined to change. But... his doubts are hella strong!
> 
> It's honestly just a mix of emotions in this chapter. Like, sad, determined, and back to sad.
> 
> I hope you enjoy either way! 
> 
> Happy shipping!

 

Tony was finally released from the hospital and was free to do anything he pleases. His doctor had given him pretty strict orders to get at least six to eight hours of sleep a night and had given him some sleeping pills to help along the way, which Tony had appreciated very much.

 

Pepper had driven him back the avengers compound and had left to go to a  meeting. So, here Tony was  back in his own flat on top of the building, feeling as lonely as he felt like before. 

 

He was the only one here. There was no one to speak with, no one to tease, no one to laugh with, no one to even argue with.

 

_ This is your fault. Everyone is gone because of yo _ u.

 

Tony sits on his couch, messing with his television remote, trying to figure whether or not he should turn it on just to  _ hear _ someone talking.  _ Anyone _ talking so his thoughts won't get the best of him with his now clearer mind.

 

But, that was no longer  possible with how Tony's mind was working.

 

He wasn't able to brush the thought into the back like he'd usually be able to do. That particular Thought stuck to him like glue and would not budge from its place. So, he acknowledged it, because it's the only thing he was able to do now.

 

With the t.v. on , Tony sat in his couch with his head hung low and lets the thoughts take over his mind.

 

_ You let orders ruin relationships because you were scared. _

 

_ You didn't fight for the right reasons and let everyone down along the way. _

 

_ You let anger take over instead of listening. _

 

_ You're an asshole.  _

 

_ A coward.  _

 

_ Money and order means more to you than the people around you, how sick is that? _

 

The last one wasn't particularly true, but that's just how he felt in this particular moment. He had money. Lots of it, he's not gonna shy away from the fact. But never has he once put it over the people he cares about. He's usually spending his money for something that he believed to be important in  _ helping  _ people _.  _

 

His personal example would be the building he is currently in right now. This building wasn't particularly made for the avengers at first. But once he knew that he was apart of a team he could call _his_ , he wanted to desperately share something for the greater. He had worked long and hard to get the place set up for each individual, wanted to make it as open and spacious as possible for his former friends.

 

Now, he doesn't even know how he feels being in said place,  that has been pretty much abandoned. Everyone was gone except him.

 

Tony has his own property.  He has his very own place to go back to. However,  he is somehow attached to this place. Too many good memories to just… leave.

 

He was just so  _ lonely. _

 

And he has convinced himself it was mostly because if his actions. The Avengers would still be a strong team if he would just … change.  
  


He used to terrified of change.  Terrified of what would happen if he didn't follow the rules. He did stupid shit, but had always and somehow tried to follow the rules. Even if said rules were not exactly right.

 

His whole life, he's been taught to follow orders and rules, whether he liked it or not. He learned not to break rules. The consequences were never pleasing. It was how he survived his childhood. Hiw he survived _now._ Follow the rules and don't ask too many questions.

 

And now he regretted so much. 

 

Tony was  _ tired _ of regretting. 

 

Because, right there on the couch, Tony had made up his mind. 

 

He needed to change, whether people like it or not. He needs to start being  _ himself _ .

 

He needed to be more open.

 

More real.

 

More Tony  instead of Stark.

 

Lately, he's been tired of his last name. He just wanted to be free.

 

Hell,

 

If having to lose a team, his  **_family_ ** and fight a war bigger than the world itself,  and losing himself between the process, then he is damn glad it happened. 

 

Tony was  **_Tony_ ** . 

 

And that's where the shitty part is. Tony is someone people don't like very much. People will never like him. Money or not, people tend to frown when hearing his name and talk about how much a disappointment he was compared to his father.

 

A father that didn't act much like one in the first place. A father that Tony so deeply cared about, even  _ if _ he wasn't showed the attention he probably needed.

 

He doesn't even realize that tears are running down his cheek until they splash against his clenched fist in his lap.

 

Yeah, Tony was going to change. But will people even care?

 

_ People will  _ **_never_ ** _ really care as long as you are still you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> QUICK!
> 
> If you beautiful people could list off some major points from Avengers: Age of Ultron   
> and Captain America: Civil War, I would very much so appreciate it.
> 
> Anything pertaining to the Tony's 'worst nightmare', Accords, Steve and Tony's disagreement and anything else you think I might have to mention in this particular story. I am already going to be touching up on several topics and points, but I would really like to hear from you all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day? You're welcome!
> 
> We have a Pepper and Tony moment. Hope is secured. 
> 
> But, don't worry. The angst will still be pretty strong in a handful of chapters coming.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

 

Pepper Potts stood in front of Tony with an expression of visible interest on her face. Her hair was into its usual ponytail,  her outfit  business like, black slacks pressed to perfection and a soft cashmere sweater as her top.

 

She tilts her head as she looks at Tony, who is standing only a few feet away from, brown eyes wide as he stares at her, waiting for her input.

 

“I'm sorry, but you're trying to change what?”

 

“Everything.” Tony's response was quick and straight to the point. He did not want to beat around the bush when it came down to it. “I need to change everything about how I go about certain things. I need to.”

 

Tony sounded desperate in Pepper's ears. And it absolutely broke her heart.

 

Tony was a sassy, sarcastic asshole. Has always been ever since she has met him years ago. It was honestly one of the reasons why she fell for him in the first place. He didn't care about what people thought most times and did what he thought was best, never really listened to anyone when his mind was set on something. Sure, he followed orders easily. It was natural to him. But he also did what he wanted to do. Once he was determined about something… it was hard to convince him otherwise.

 

By the looks of it, it seemed like Pepper wouldn't be able to convince him that he doesn't have to. But she still had something to say.

 

“Tony, you don't  _ need  _ to do anything! Sure, you can be hard to deal with at times, but that is just who you are. No one should take that away from you. You are  _ not _ perfect, but you are still you. And the people that actually love and care you don't care.”

  
  


She was up close and personal now, only inches apart from another. She wants him to  _ hear _ her loud and clear.

 

Tony's face is scrunched up like he was thinking for a second. Then he crumbles,  head falling forward as he looks at the ground.

 

“I… I  _ want _ to change, Pep. I want people to know that I'm not just some asshole behind the mask, saving people. That I'm actually a decent person. I want them to know that I care _ so much… _ ” Tony's voice cracks a little at the end before he stops talking altogether.

 

Pepper puts a comforting hand on his forearm and gives it a squeeze. “You care more than anyone I know, Tony. Don't let people convince you otherwise.”

 

“I just want people to accept me. I want to finally  _ accept myself.  _ It's been too long when I felt good about myself. I want to feel good about myself again.”

 

Pepper understands now. She understands that Tony is doing this for himself really. Not particularly for anyone else.

 

“No matter what you do, Tony, I promise to be here for you every step of the way.”

 

Tony pulls her into a hug before she knows it and buries his face in her shoulder. She can hear him sniffling as she wraps her own arms around him.

 

“Thank you,” he murmurs against her shoulder.  “I appreciate you so much, have I ever told you that?”

 

Pepper cannot help but break into a warm and bright smile, feeling relieved and happy all at once. Because, even if Tony and her aren't together anymore,  she will always love him. Always cherish moments like this. 

 

“Not as much as you should.” she chirps bluntly. That earns her a laugh from the man,  shoulders shaking and head still pressed against her shoulder.

 

Pepper  knows that in this moment,  things will start to look up. Even if it takes a while, Tony will be better than he has ever been before.

 

Or so help anyone that tries to deny and destroy this hope. Because then they'll have to deal with her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my name is Ali from Thatshipgay and you're watching Disney Channel.
> 
> Okay, but seriously. Here is another update for yoy beautiful people! I hope yoy enjoy it just as kuch as I enjoyed typing it out for you guys.
> 
> Just Tony being Tony. Determing and Doubtful and honestly... sad :(.

 

It's only been a few days since Tony's talk with Pepper and he is already starting to feel better about himself. He's been working hard to change actually. The first act of change would be redecorating the Avengers Tower.

 

Each floor had been set for each individual personality and interest of battle. He remembers It had only taken him a few months to get every floor set up, with the help of his own technology and sense of determination. He also remembers how it took weeks to convince the team to actually move in. He'll finally admit to himself now that it actually hurt that his new teammates had actually thrown out the possibility to become closer as team. To become closer with each other.

 

So, starting off with the first floor, he changed how everything was set up to fit that persons person's interest. He was turning the floors more modern, more  _ open _ to others. Each floor would still have essentials such as advanced Stark Technology for communications and such, but now he is decorating them to a more of an regular apartment look. No gadgets and tools out for this said person.  Items that could be used for battles or training were simply removed out of said rooms and replaced in the room Tony wanted to be training deck, and the  _ only _ training deck 

 

Tony felt kinda shitty doing it at first. Because at the end of the day, he loved his teammates. They had his back just like he had theirs when they were around. Once they were convinced he wasn't just showing off his skills or throwing his money here and there, they got along perfectly fine. But, things changed. 

 

Due to do his own unwillingness to back down from an direct order or contract, he didn't  _ listen _ to the people he was surrounded with. When miscommunication and disagreement from left to right begin to dig into his heart,  he lashed out. Because, that was mostly all he knew how to do when he's pissed or hurt. He was part of the problem. He was part of the reason why he longer has a team.

 

He stills feels numb after it all. First he felt rage and betrayal, which then melted to simple frustration. The frustration then melted to regret. And regret then melted to …. Well  _ nothing _ . He had felt nothing.

 

He had quit SHIELDS as soon as he was well enough to actually go but to their headquarters in New York. He had put his foot down somehow,no longer making any new and approved gadgets for then or even working with then. The whole Siberia fiasco had actually opened his eyes to an extent of realizing that SHIELDS was using him just as much as others. He already _ knew  _ that, he did. He just… he grew up following orders. Grew up in a childhood filled with consequence if he disobeyed. 

 

He's  _ always  _ been the one to try his best and not to  _ disappoint. _ He used to hate disappointing others. Still hated it  _ so much _ .

 

But, he was learning. He know it will take awhile to just be open. To just go off what feels right to  _ him _ and stop listening to others. He hasn't listened to himself for a very long time. 

 

He was  _ tired _ .

 

It was along road of self awareness and redemption in front of him. No matter how many cracks in the road he comes to, he promises himself that he'll listen to what his heart tells him.

 

_ Yeah right. You know you can't do this alone.  You're weak and you barely have any friends. _

 

Tony cannot help but wince at his own thoughts. He had… doubt. Lots of it to he honest. How many time has he told himself to be more open and generous and stop lashing out just when things go wrong? Too many times and he seemed to always end up back into his snarky, closed off self. He needed that to stop.

 

He has always struggled to be himself, even as a child. Growing up as the son of Howard Stark, he had to present himself in a light that wasn't him. He presented himself like his father, wanted to  _ become _ his father. 

 

But, growing older and entering his teen years, he realizes that he  _ didn't  _ want to be like his father. It hurt more to see his father's open disappointment in him than anything else. He realize that he was never going to get his father's official approval. Everything was always closed off with him, small compliments and such. So, Tony lashed out and bantered and insulted to hold on to his own hurt. He just didn't get the support he wanted as a younger boy. 

 

Tony knows that now, as an adult, he has support. And he appreciates it so much.

  
  


But… will he  _ always have support?  _

 

Will Pepper always come around when things are hard? Will Rhodes hug him and call him silly, stupid names just to make him smile for the time being? He doesn't know. 

 

And that is what terrified him more than he'll ever say out loud. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!!
> 
> I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOY GUYS THINK!
> 
> Tumblr:stressedbutstillalive


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds out the truth....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome back to this mess of a story I came up with.
> 
> First of all:  
> I apoligze for any misspellings. I been trying to double check my work but this chapter wasnt checked fully and officially and I want to say im sorry.
> 
> I would like to say that I am only familiar with the movie centric of the Avengers, and even with that, I still struggle on some specific details. I promise I am looking up some information and would also appreciate it if you guys would also like to point out some things that you think would he important to add. 
> 
> Also, i woukd like to say and he honest with you guys and say, this a small turning point for the story and things will begin to get a lot more interesting...
> 
> With further ado, please enjoy this short chapter of anger and well... more betrayal (to a small point)

Barnes felt like he would rip his own hair out for the fifteenth time this week.

 

He was pacing back and forth in bis own room, hand clenched into a fist and he felt the telltale sign of his nails digging deep into the flesh to the point that it hurt.

 

Barnes was angry. Extremely and annoyingly angry at Steve. 

 

He can still clearly remember Natasha's clipped voice from days before telling Steve to ‘tell him.’ and was mad he wasn't there to hear the rest of the conversation. But he heard enough. He now knows that Steve is  _ definitely  _ hiding something from him about that day in Siberia. About Tony Stark.

 

Barnes had walked straight into the apartment as soon as Natasha had disappeared around the corner and immediately asked Steve to stop keeping secrets from him.

 

_ “ I have been asking you over and over again about what happened and you just keep dismissing it!” Barnes shouted at Steve, glaring at him. _

 

_ Steve didn't say anything for awhile. He wouldn't even meet his gaze. Barnes knew that it was bad. Ever since the redhead lady had payed them a visit and ripped Steve into pieces, there friendship has been straining.  _

 

_ Steve  _ **_just_ ** _ wouldn't tell him what she meant that Stark could have died. Because…. He heard something different from Steve himself.  _

 

_ That day in Siberia and steve told him to run ahead so he could Stop Stark, he didn't even think twice and obeyed him. It was easy to him, to put his trust into Steve like he used to do.  _

 

_ So, when Steve came running back to him minutes later and explained that Stark was knocked out and would be down for a while,  Barnes believed him without a question.  _

 

_ Now.  _ **_Now?_ ** _ Bucky had know idea. Had know  _ **_truth_ ** _ to what Steve had done to Keep Stark, a man that was filled with  _ **_rage and grief_ ** _ , down.  _

 

_ And Steve was just making it worse for himself. Because Steve wasn't looking at him. Steve wasn't talking. He been trying to avoid the topic altogether for the past few days but Barnes has had enough. Ne needed the truth, and he needed to hear it from Steve. _

 

_ “Tell. Me.”  _

 

_ Each word was sharp and demanding coming from his mouth and Barnes felt the Soldier inside stir. He didn't care. He needed answers and he need them now. _

 

_ Steve has winced from his tone and his shoulders just dropped. He sighs and lifts up a hand to run it down his face. He seemed defeated and exhausted. _

 

_ “Tony he… he has a chest plate that helps him survive and stay alive. There was an accident I heard a long time ago- I don't have all the details but, it caused him to make a chest plate filled with…. I don't know but it helps him survive and during the fight I-I didn't think really and I-I slammed my shield down against it and a cracked into pieces an-and  I-I just… I just…” _

 

_ Barnes was shaking his head in horror, jaw slacked and eyes wide from the information. He… his best friend…. Steve is… _

 

_ Barnes was backing away from him, shaking his head over and over. He couldn't believe it. Steve had done something  _ **_horrible._ ** _ And kept it from him- no, he lied to him! _

 

_ “I don't even know who you are anymore. He deliberately lied to me-” _

 

_ Steve seemed desperate now.  Taking a step forward in Barnes direction. _

 

_ “I was trying to protect you! A-and I didn't think-” _

 

_ “He seriously could have  _ **_died,_ ** _ Steve! And you just left him there-” _

 

_ “He was attacking you Bucky! H-he tried to kill you and I didnt think and I just acted and I am so sorry I lied to you-” _

 

_ But, Barnes didn't want to hear it. He was  _ **_tired_ ** _ of it. Tired of it all. Steve's overbearing presence at times,  his clinginess, his  _ **_lies_ ** _. _

  
  


_ “Stark had every right to attack the man that murdered both of his parents. What he did was justifiable. What you did…. No Steve. What  _ **_you_ ** _ did will  never be okay.” _

 

_ Barnes didn't stay there to listen to any more of Steve trying to make it right. He didn't want to listen to it. Not now. _

 

_ He left once again without saying goodbye or telling him where he was going. _

 

So, here he is. Avoiding steve as best as he could for the fourth day in a row.

 

He was furious. 

 

And he didn't want to forgive. 

 

His thoughts were stuck on Starks hurt expression right before he blasted off Barnes prosthetic arm. His thoughts were stuck on the rage that were blooming in the man's eyes when he fought both of super soldier like it was so easy to him. 

 

Stark seemed to be extremely intelligent and determined to hurt him. He could see it in his eyes in that moment of fighting and battle

 

And for the third time that week, Barnes really wished that Stark had found someway to kill to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!
> 
> I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU GUYS!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has a pretty bad nightmare and isn't sure what was real and what was not...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off:
> 
> THANK YOU GUYS SO FUCKING KUCH FOR FINALLY MAKING THIS FIC REACH UP 100 KUDOS! It may not be much to you guys. But it means a lot to me! 
> 
> I love you guys comments! It gives me so much to appreciate and think about and you guys are just seriously amazing!
> 
> Plus, I reach 1k words in this chapter, so shit is getting kinda real and still pretty damn sad.
> 
> HEADS UP:  
> This chapter as a pretty dark nightmare scene and it just kinda proves how fucked up Tony is feeling right now and how hurt betrayed he feels. So, fair warnings to all you Steve lovers, (I love him too, okay? He just needs to get his crap together.) He'll be seen as a reallll shitty person in this chapter!
> 
> Either way, Enjoy and happy shipping!

 

_ Tony couldn't sit up.  _

 

_ Not because he didn't want to, but because it physically hurt to move at the moment. His ribs felt like they may have punctured a few vital organs, or maybe he is just exaggerating and it felt like there were really sharp knife buried deep into his torso. And he face. Oh gosh, his face hurt too. His nose was more than likely broken and it was causing the pain to spread to to the point that it felt like he was on the verge of having a severe headache.  _

 

_ His red and gold armour lay in pieces around him. The left arm of medal was scattered somewhere on the side of him, bits of pieces still somewhat attached to his arm. His torso… his armour for his torso was just  _ **_gone_ ** _. His shirt had been ripped open from the force and strength of it being torn off of him. His chest plate was now out of the open, its blue and bright light shining as if there were nothing happening at the moment. As if Tony having just been laid out flat by someone he thought cared for and trusted was not such a big deal. _

 

_ Tony Stared at Steve’s face, a grimace of pain flashing over his body. But he didn't care. The pain,  at the moment, was considered bearable to him, because all he felt was  _ **_grief_ ** _ and  _ **_hurt_ ** _. All he felt was the adrenaline in his veins still pumping and his chest heaving up and down from the energy that seemed to be seeping out. _

 

_ Tony couldn't sit up. _

 

_ Tony was taken down by Steve, but not without a fight. Tony lashed out, Tony punched, blasted and  _ **_raged_ ** _. This man, standing in front of him was not the Steve he thought he grew to trust. This man was biased and seemingly uncaring at the moment.  _

 

**_And it started because of a man Tony didn't even know. Because of a man Steve had lost from his time before the ice. Because of a man that murdered his parents in cold_ ** **_blood_ ** **_._ **

 

_ “What are you waiting for?” Tony says through clenched teeth. He tried to breath through his nose, the pain finally getting to him as another wave of just…  _ **_everything_ ** _ was catching up to him. “Finish it.” _

 

_ And then Steve… Steve  _ **_smiled_ ** _. All bitter and dark and so not the Steve Tony had known for years now. Not the Steve who was always determined to help others. _

 

**_Was this how it went????_ **

 

_ “You were never a great asset for the team, you know. Simply just needed you for resources and weapons. Worthless in everything else.” Steve voice was filled with ice and it struck Tony with fear at how at ease Steve was as he approached Tony. He kneeled towards him, shield in hand, hands gripping onto the handle tight. _

 

_ “ _ **_I'm sorry. But I_ ** **_have_ ** **_to do this. To protect Bucky.”_ **

 

_ Steve’s eyes were wide and filled with something Tony didn't want to name. It scared him. Why was he so scared? He tried to move. Tried to get out of the way, but he hissed, his ribs causing him to freeze up once again. _

 

_ “I won't be sorry when I do this. You were never strong like the others. Just a weak little thing you are.” _

 

**_“Steve-”_ **

 

**_He had begun, but his shield was already swinging down. And Tony waiting for an impact against his head. Or maybe his ribs? He didn't know. What he wasn't expecting to feel a hard and solid pressure hit his chest plate so hard that he let out a whoosh of air._ **

 

_ Tony's eyes were wide with shock and horror. He looks down and noticed that Steve had his shield pressed down onto the plate of his chest. Tony noticed that the light is flickering and dulling down by the second. He noticed that as Steve lifts up his shield, there were two deep cracks running along the triangular shaped technology, both parts connecting in the middle. The glass was pressing inward and was barely hanging on to stay together. _

 

_ Tony looked up at Steve, jaw slack and eyes showing his surprise. He couldn't even speak, his breath coming out a garbled gasps. He tried to say something…  _ **_anything_ ** _. _

 

_ Steve looked at him without blinking an eye and stood up and looked over him.  _

 

_ “Goodbye, Stark.”  He spat, before rushing to leave him alone. _

 

**_Steve looked in pain,  heading loving side to side, body moving backwards away from Tony, eyes showing his own hurt and regret._ **

 

**_“I'm sorry.” was all he uttered before rushing away._ **

 

**_Before rushing away and leaving Tony onto the cold ground, shock turning into numbness as he feels like he can't breath._ **

 

He woke up with a silent scream on his lips hand clenching into the bed sheet. He can't breath.

 

Oh god, he can't breath! Tony is gasping for air now, hand coming up to scratch at his neck as if that would get him air. 

 

He immediately grabs at his shirt around his chest and bunched it together, heaving and choking on nothing. Eyes swimming with tears.

 

He can feel the chest plate pressed against his chest. 

 

It's not carved in. 

 

There are no cracks in jt.

 

He  _ can _ breath! Oh.. oh my god he can breath.

 

It doesn't know how long it takes him for him to calm down, but he keeps his hands pressed against the flat surface of the chest plate, fingers twitching against his neck as he forcefully breathes in and out of his nose.

 

Then he begins to sob with  no control to hold onto.

 

He hasn't had nightmares in weeks. But he can't ignore and hope for  _ everything  _  to be okay. Because it will never be okay. Not when he has scary dreams like the one just now. Not when nightmares like that reminds him of the pain and grief and suffering he has gone through for those first six or seven months of trying to  _ forget. _ He would never forget.

 

And, as he sits there into his empty bed, he sobs and realizes how alone he feels at this moment. How  _ nothing  _ is soothing his mindset of grief and hurt.

 

Tony doubts are strong right now. 

 

Tony will always doubt and will always be alone. He's so broken to the point of no true recovery. 

 

Who will ever even want him at this point?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!
> 
> I LOVE HEARING YOU ALL! IT GVES ME SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Tony's breakdown just hours before, Rhodes finally gives Tony a visit we all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another 1k words worth of a chapter for you beautiful people. 
> 
> As I already said, Colonel Rhodes has finally entered the scene and him and Tony have a bittersweet reunion because of course, I love for you guys to suffer and Rhodes has some kinda shitty news by the end...
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> Happy shipping!

 

 

 

Tony has been sitting in his workshop, messing with absolute nothing for the past five hours when he hears Friday's voice over the speakers.

 

_ Boss, Mr. Rhodes is asking for permission to enter the facility. Is it okay for me to let him in? _

 

Tony frowns and immediately looks up at the clock. It was almost seven o'clock in the morning. 

 

First thing he thinks about is the fact that he barely got five hours of sleep tonight and feels kinda shitty for not taking his sleeping pills the earlier the day before. Just when things were starting to calm down for him, his nightmares attached itself to his being at the first unguarded chance. 

 

The second thing that comes to mind is the feeling of nervousness and… pure _relief_ to know that his best friend was here. He has not seen the man in months. Tony has missed him terribly. He misses the playful banter and how at ease he feels when he is around. 

 

However,  the frown stays attached because he knows for a fact that Tony has not called him in weeks now nor had Rhodes ever given him the heads up that he was coming to visit.

 

“Friday, I did not contact Rhodes nor have I heard from him in months. Why has he shown up? I mean, I'm super glad he is here and all but…”

 

Tony trails off and grimaces. He has realized that he's been taking to his AI a lot more recently since he has turned her back on. He has been rambling on and on about nothing more than he has before these days. This early morning was apparently no exception for his excessive talking to stop. Even if he is running on only five hours of sleep. Not like that is saying much, he ran on worse before.

 

The AI is silent for a few seconds before she answers his question, her hesitancy evident and open.

 

“You… woke up in panic that I considered to be pretty sever just a few hours prior and I was under the impression that Colonel Rhodes was the one to call when that happens. Was that not the right choice?”

 

Friday seemed so sincere and quite honestly worried that Tony could not even be irritated. He is glad that Friday understands the… troubled place Tony is in at the moment and reacted.

 

“No sweetheart, you, you did good. Yeah, let him come through...please.”

 

Friday gives him a small little humm of acknowledgment for her answer. In just a few minutes later, Rhodes comes through the lab, military attire still on.

 

As soon as both men look into each others eyes,  Tony's resolve to stay calm crumbles like it was made out of paper.

 

He stumbles to his feet just as Rhodes steps in front of him and throws his arms around the mans middle and buries his face into his chest. Rhodes hands wrap tight around Tony and he truly feels like everything will be okay. His best friend was here in front of him, seemingly had missed him just as much as Tony had him.

 

“Oh, Tones.” Was all the dark toned man says as his grip tightens around his friend. He feels relieved to finally see his best friend in the whole wide world  _ alive  _ and safe.

 

There were no words said for a few minutes, both men just gripping onto each other. Rhodes is the first person to open his mouth and speak. 

 

“You don't look so hot, Tones. Friday had called and told me that you had attack earlier this morning. Are you alright?”

 

Tony doesn't like worrying Rhodey because Rhodey is _always_ there for him. Rhodey has seen Tony on his good and bad days and understands the concept of his Tony can sometimes deal with things that bother him. 

 

“I'll be okay.” Tony answers,  hoping that it is enough wording to go on because he feels that if Rhodes demands for him to give him any details, he might just break down once again. 

 

He hates breaking down. 

 

“I'm sorry I have not contacted you once the war was over,” Rhodey begins to stay, dropping the previous topic for sake of Tony. “ I just been so busy with the government officials and the secretary and-”

 

Tony interrupts him, shaking his head side to side from where it buried in the chest he was leaning against. “Not your fault. I understand things have been busy for you. I have been busy myself. I'm just glad that you're here now.”

 

Tony doesn't like when he is vulnerable. It makes him feel like everyone judges him more for being a real  _ human being _ and he is just honestly exhausted trying to hide every real part of himself from everyone. 

 

Rhodes sighs and grabs on to Tony's shoulders to push him back so he can look at his face. He  expression was serious, dark brown eyes unwavering. “I'm serious Tony. In sorry for waiting so long to come and visit you. As soon as I heard from Friday what happened,  I dropped everything and came straight over. Hence the uniform.” his time playful and light, which makes Tony crack a small grin. 

 

“And I am serious too. It's okay.”

 

Rhodes searches his eyes for a moment, trying to point out a lie anywhere in his statement. When he doesn't find one, he just nods his head and begins to move both him and Tony by the couch, which Tony sinks in immediately. 

 

It's quiet for a few minutes, both content and just relieved. Tony can even feel his eyelids start to droop when his best friends voice cuts through his exhaustion, his tone serious. Tony can hear an annoyance laced through the sigh Rhodes let's out before he begins to talk.

 

“Tony, some things have came up once again and I really think you'll want to hear this.”

 

Tony arches his brow towards him, body somewhat stiffening at the tone as his full attention immediately falls onto the words Rhodes is about to say.

 

Rhodes meets Tony's stare before he speaks again. “I don't think you're gonna like what I am going to say next…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I didnt tell you guys that this chapter was just a cliffhanger and you wont find out until the next update what the hell is going on? 
> 
>  
> 
> oops
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!  
> I LOVE HEARING WHAT YOU GUYS THINK! COMMENTS OR ALWAYS WELCOME!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint Barton and the ... 'team' get some very interesting news from Colonel Rhodes himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why, look, another chapter? Oh my goodness I cannot believe it!
> 
> Lol, and guess whose view it is coming from this time? Arrow dude himself, Clint Barton. 
> 
> I wanted to switch it up and catch this chapter in a different point of view, so my man Clint stepped up and volunteered. 
> 
> Next chapter will have a lot more explaining.
> 
>  
> 
> I MADE A BRAND NEW TUMBLR THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD FOLLOW! IT WILL BE FILLED WITH SHORT DRABBLES, STORIES, AND FANFICTION OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!
> 
> LINK AT THE VERY END OF THIS CHAPTER!!!

 

Clint Barton had his back pressed up against the far wall of the seemingly long meeting room, eyes scanning everyone that was present.

 

Wanda Maximoff had known shown up, decidedly staying with Vision in Europe somewhere. She had simply told the team that she and Vision just wasn't willing to leave there alone time just yet. Wanda had spoke. With Steve briefly, which Barton wasn't present at the time, and told him they had planned to be back a few weeks.

 

Barton is a little but jealous when no one had tried to pressure her into coming back. When Clint Barton was at home, with his own loved ones surrounding him, He had gotten a call from Colonel Rhodes himself, telling him that there were really important matters to discuss with the whole. . . “team” and that he was required to come into the SHIELDS facility for a meeting. He wanted to refuse immediately, but judging by the tone that Rhodes had used during the phone call, he had no say in the matter.

 

So, here he was once again, back in the place that had caused so much problems between the everyone that was present in the room. Speaking of everyone that is present…

 

Natasha stood beside him, eyes trained on the Colonel with a expression of blank indifference. She hasn't changed much during the month of not speaking with her.

 

Steve was sat down in one of the chairs of the long table, elbows on the table and hands claps together. He is own expression could match the man that was standing across the room, who didn't look very happy to be here and possibly even confused.

 

That was interesting to witness, Barton had pointed out. Barnes was not sitting by nor even close to his best friend. He seemed to be the loner of the group. Even Sam Wilson, who was closer to Bucky than Steve, seemed to be uncomfortable with whatever was going on between the too.

 

Someone clears their voice and and Bartons eyes snap towards The tall skin man standing in front of them all, in the middle of the room. Hands were clasped behind his back, his face set into a grim line as he is eyes scanned the room before he began to speak.

 

“As you all know, you are here today for a very important matter that had been brought to my attention in the past few weeks. This meeting has been set into motion as soon as everyone in my favor have all came to an agreement.”

 

Rhodes falls silent for just a minute, his eyes scanning the room once again to make sure everyone had their eyes focusing on him.

 

Barton was becoming interested in what the man was about to say. Considering the fact that the last time everyone in the room had met up, it didn't end so well for him and he was in a wheelchair for a while.

 

Barton has a flash of memory of Tony Stark's face, stricken and horrified as he knelt on front of Colonel Rhodes body, and cannot help but grimace at the memory. Clint didnt really like with how Tony felt about certain things or did things, but the man... Stark was definitely hurt  by what had happened with Rhodes. 

 

Clint cannot help but feel guilt edge up his spine. He looked around once again and notices that Tony is not around at all. The guilt  just digs deeper into his spine, as if holding him up. There was  _so much_ that Clint had wished went differently. So much that Clint wished....

 

As if Steve was reading his mind, he asked:

 

“Where is Tony?”

 

The look that Rhodes throws his way meant _trouble_ and Clint tenses up. The fire burning in Colonel’s eyes was intense and Steve even leaned back and away from the men's glare.  When Rhodes spoke, his tone was clipped and icy.

 

“Tony had already been briefed about today's event. That is all you need to know considering the fact that he is no longer apart of the team. You made sure of that, didn't you Rogers?”

 

From where Barton was standing, it seemed like Steve was battling with himself on whether or not he should say anything back. But he stayed quiet, lips pressed into a thin line and hands clenched together into fists. Barton could _feel_ how serious the matter seemed at the moment and seriously didn't want to break up a fight if one were to break out.

 

Natasha's calm tone filled the intense silence that seemed to grip onto everyone in the room.

 

“What is it that you want of us, Mr. Rhodes?”

 

Natasha, coming to the rescue and Barton told himself to thank her later for the matter.

 

Rhodes didn't say anything at first, his eyes still trained on Steve like a magnet before he turned away from the man and spoke once again in a clipped, matter-of-fact tone.

 

“As of today, everyone that is present in this room, plus the others that decided to not show up, are no longer considered criminals of the country and are pardoned from all recent Criminal activities. Each if you are giving a second chance to do what is right and _not_ run off when things are not going as smoothly as you may want it to.”

 

Barton can hear the low blow at Rhodes last sentence, but he is still mainly stuck on one word.

 

Pardoned.

 

Everyone had seemed to have the same reaction as him. Even Natasha's expression morphed into complete surprise and shock.

 

Barton hears a sigh from across the room before Wilson utters out what he wants to say.

 

“Well, that is totally unexpected and new.”

 

Barton agreed with that statement exactly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow me on my new tumblr!

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> I REALLY LIKE HEARING FROM YOU GUYS. COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME .💖


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is briefed on the new circumstances and Bucky gets some interesting news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This cheater is honestly kinda boring, but I promise you this is actually where things will begin to heat up. 
> 
> We're growing even close to where I boys finally meet each other again! So please don't be discouraged!
> 
> Happy shipping!
> 
> If you like it, please leave kudos and comments at the end!

 

After Sam Wilson's statement, which was an understatement is Barnes's opinion, the Colonel who he knew by the name of Rhodes, began to pace in front of him. His voice filled the room once again. The shock of what they all had heard still clutching onto them.

 

“It might not come to a shock to you all, but the whole entire world appreciates you guys stepping up to save it.  With your recent actions, SHIELD and U.S. government have decided to… overlook everyones past actions. So, Starting today. Once you leave this room, you  will be free to do as you please”

 

Everyone began to murmur all at once. Whether in shock or denial, even Bucky could admit that he was not expecting this called meeting to go anything like this. 

 

He himself,  who is not or ever been  particularly part of this team that wasn't even getting along, was pardoned. 

 

Barnes really wasn't sure how he felt about that.

 

It seems as if, the “undercover” that Barnes and the others have been doing on American soil for the past month seemed to come to a halt. Bucky doesn't have to make sure to cover his eyes and keep his head down when outside of the apartment he shares with Steve.

 

Barnes glances at Steve's face from where he was standing, just to make eye contact with the man.

 

Barnes kept his features schooled as they stare at each other. Steve had a look of  _ hope _ sketched out across his whole entire face, eyes wide and bright. He small grin splits Steve's mouth.

 

Barnes doesn't smile back and looks away, a surge of  _ frustration  _ and  _ betrayal  _ building up  _ once again _ . 

 

It's been almost two weeks since he made Steve tell him the truth. And although he has stopped trying to hide from the man, he can never look at his friend the same again. Not when the guilt of Siberia is still tightening its claws against his heart.

 

“And of course,” Mr.Rhodes speaks up once again and everyone falls quiet and focuses back on him.  His face was still impressively blank when he spoke. “Although none of you are no longer working under SHIELDS, we are allowing the Avengers to still work and protect  on their own condition without no contracts attaching to anyone. Everyone that had been working on making sure to get this situated has agreed to let you all choose your own missions when it comes time and we will fully give you guys a easy leeway to handle things  _ your _ way. This was specifically suggested by someone that you  _ all _ know.”

 

Barnes has a flash of dull hazel eyes and a shiny suit or armor painted red and gold and isn't sure why Stark is the person he thinks about when Colonel Rhodes speak his last sentence.

 

Steve seemed to think the same thing because his voice, filled with authority and accusation filled the room.

 

“There hasn't been an Avengers team in almost a year, Colonel. Not a full one. So why pardon us only to expect us to fall back into the hands that have caused the split in the first place?” 

 

Steve's tone bothered Barnes. He didn't know he felt the need to say something, but it  _ irritated  _ him that Steve, the man that he thought was all about righteous and wrongs, didn't know when to shut up and just  _listen_

 

Before Barnes could even think of something to say to make Steve  _ not _ be an asshole,  Rhodes was already speaking.

 

“As I already said before, Mr.Rogers, the man the you are  _ speaking _ about, is no longer with you because of  _ you _ . Your specific actions have caused the team, not his belief for what he thought was right. Tony's actions proved to be justifiable, he was trying to keep the team together. Your actions? You were just trying to keep harm being done from one _person_ that was known as a dangerous criminal, brainwashed or not.” 

 

Rhodes must have lost some of his cool because his voice had risen and his eyes were locked onto Steve with fury and fire that Barnes didn't want to be part of. Barnes may have flinched a little at the last statement,  but didn't speak out on it. He had no right to when it was about true.

 

“Mr. Stark has simply agreed to be a team again. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no longer a tower for Avengers so you'll each be staying Respectfully where you choose to stay. When there are missions to be handled, we will contact you to see if the mission is something that all of you are willing to do."

 

“Wait a second,  _ no one _ is allowed back into the Avengers Tower?” Barton asked, his voice curious and his eyebrows bunched up together, as if he was trying to figure out the reason  _ why.  _

 

Rhodes had shot him a look, as if considering what he had asked before sighing.

 

“For  _ now _ , all who were under contract with SHIELDS of the previous years before are not allowed to step foot into the tower. That is just falling under the whole concept and ordeal. As time goes by, this may or may not be changed, but that depends on Mr. Stark himself. As for anyone else, that rule doesn't apply to them.”

 

His statement must have thrown everyone off because it seemed as if the whole entire room was filled with the tension as before. 

 

Barnes was thrown off the most, especially when Colonel Rhodes had turned his head to level him with his stare.

 

“Mr. James Barnes?”

 

“Yes sir?”

 

“Under the circumstance, you are the  _ only _ one allowed into the facility. In fact, we encourage you into it. The government officials understands your past and what you've done- what you were  _ forced _ to do, were not choices a level headed man would do. While staying in the facility, Stark is willing to  _ help _ you in any way possible so that groups such as HYDRA will no longer have a grip onto your mind or body.”

 

Steve stood up abruptly, seemingly wanting to say something or speak on Barnes. But Barnes wouldn't let him. Although the news itself could have rendered him speechless and shocked, the overwhelming feeling to speak for himself pulled through. 

 

“Why? He asked loudly and clearly. 

 

It's completely quiet and everyone's eyes were on him. His shoulders slump and his head falls forward. He really wants to know. Why would Tony Stark, of  _ all _ people, would want to help me.

 

“Why would Stark want to help  _ me?”  _

 

Rhodes was seizing him up and it made Barnes feel small and worthless. As if he couldn't understand Barnes at all. 

 

“To be quite honest Mr. Barnes,” Rhodes begins, words drawn out and curious himself. “ I have not a real clue.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!
> 
> Seriously, I love hearing from you guys! Y'alls comments bring me joy and it just males me feel good as a mediocre writer! I ALWAYS interact with you guys so please dont be scared to express how you feel!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes a decision that may or may not be be Steve's liking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double upload on the same day? I flatter you people too much!
> 
> Bucky is just expressing how disappointed he is in Steve. Steve, at this point will never fucking learn dammit.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments! They really. Make my day!

 

 

 

 

 

Barnes and Steve had entered their apartment and just when Steve shut the door and locked it, he whipped his body towards Barnes, jaw locked and eyes bright and blazing. 

  
  


“You are  _ not _ going over there with Tony Stark.” He said in a tone that would have called for obedience. 

 

Barnes wasn't one to obey anybodies orders. Hasn't been that kind of guy for a very long time. So, he flat out rolled his eyes in Steve's direction before heading into the kitchen. 

 

“I don't think I have to listen to you anymore, Stevie. As far as I know,  you are not my captain.” 

 

That seemed to annoy Steve. He followed Barnes into the kitchen, movement consistent as he made sure he was in full view to Barnes.

 

“Alright, that didn't come out right. But I  _ really _ don't think that it would be a great idea to even be around Stark. He is untrustworthy and only does what  _ he  _ wants to do.”

 

Barnes did not know Tony well at all. Has only met the man once and the incident didn't end up well. 

 

So, he has been briefed plenty of times by Steve and the rest that Tony was known as a egotistical man that never looked out for others. That he was self destructive and did not listen to others as well. He took everything as a joke, didn't care, and so many other things that could degrade the man...

 

Barnes had heard this plenty of times. But at this point, knowing of what Steve had hid from him makes him want to see it with his own eyes. 

 

Barnes truly felt like the trust that they used to have with each other was shattering. He didn't know what to believe at this point. 

 

He was disappointed in Steve. He looked at Steve with a frown plastered on his lips. 

 

“Do the others know?” 

 

Steve blinked at him, before losing the tick in his jaw from clenching them together, only to scrunch his eyebrows.

 

“What?”

 

So Barnes asked again, making sure to map out Steve's reaction. 

 

“Do the others know that you could have killed Tony? Do they know that you  _ smashed  _ something that was keeping him alive,  and walked away without a backwards glance?” Barnes doesnt realize that he was taking steps towards Steve until he is very aware that he is almost touching the man's chest with his own. He doesnt know  _ why _ he feels so angry and sad and pissed… “Do they know that you left a teammate there to possibly  _ die _ ?”

 

Steve flinched away from him, shoulders locked up and bunched against his neck. Barnes could tell that he was possibly about to blow, but did give a damn a this point. 

 

“Only Natasha knows-she understands I didn't mean to use that much force and-”

 

Banres scoffed incredulously, not believing once again what he was hearing. 

 

“You deliberately kept your mouth shut about what happened from the others,  _ lied _ to me-”

 

“I didn't  _ mean _ to Bucky! I would have never done that on purpose-”

 

“You left him there to  _ die,  _ Steve!” Barnes all but yells out. “You fucking  _ left hi _ m Steve! Your own teammate, who you've worked with for years, just him there with no help! What the fuck- how does that make everything alright?! How does that make anything right?”

 

Steve fallen silent, eyes locked onto Barnes. 

 

“I  _ am  _ sorry for what I did, but at the end of the day he survived and he is just not a good person.”

 

Barnes felt like wanting to pull his hair out. His prosthetic arm was clenched into a  fist and Barnes really felt the need to punch something.

 

If Steve was going to keep on pushing off the fact that what he did was somewhat justifiable l, sorry or not, then Barnes knew what his decision was. He knew soon as Colonel Rhodes suggested it.

 

“Right now Steve? You sure as hell don't seem like a good person either.”

 

Steve seemed to be at loss at what to say, face morphing into something like hurt. Barnes would feel bad he if was the same guy from seventy years ago. He would feel bad if he didn't remembering the look of pure grief,  betrayal and rage in brown eyes.

 

Barnes began to walk away from Steve. Walk away from his best friend. 

 

“I plan on being out in three days. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but Steve…. Steve you need to understand that this is my choice. Just like it was your choice to lie and hide things from people you apparently care about.”

 

His last statement could he viewed as a low blow,  but Barnes didn't care. And to be quite honest? 

 

It felt pretty fucking good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!!
> 
> Seriously, I dunno what I would do if you guys didn't comment on this work and express how you felt with the storyline and plot twists! It just makes me smile so much!
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr!  
> https://thatshipgay.tumblr.com


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark meets Winter Soldier once again in a more ... at ease manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS FINALLY HAPPENING! YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS! WAITING FOR THENTO FINALLY MEET UP ONCE AGAIN, AND IT HAS COME!
> 
> I hope this chapter gives you all even more hope than before! Because, trust me when I say that things are finally finally finally starting to pick up.
> 
> Also, for the future, Author Warning tag of Graphic Depiction of Violence will be add on soon to this story. I a lot of shit will be going on...
> 
> Guys! I was so fucking HAPPY with the amount of feedback (it was only like five people giving me Feedback but I absolutely shouted with joy because that is just great to me) I got on the last chapter! You guys are just great and I freaking love it! You guys are so passionate when expressing yourself and I just want to weep with how much love you all are showing and giving me.
> 
> Keep giving me feedback, it will NEVER NOT bring me joy. And I will NEVER NOT respond to you all. I truly look forward to you guys input

 

When Rhodes told him that his old team were going to be pardoned, he felt dread run up and down his spine before settling against his heart.

 

When Rhodes told him that even under the circumstances, Tony himself had the right to choose on whether or not for them all to move back into the Tower, Tony felt a little bit better 

 

When Rhodes explained to him that the Avengers are able to be a team again, Tony immediately went into detail as in what should change and what should be different this time around. He felt a sense of overpowering dread once again, knowing that He would have to team up with the people that had betrayed him. But he felt… also  _ relieved  _ in a way that he had a team again.

 

When Tony told him that he would only allow James Barnes in the tower, to “simply help him get rid of the evil doings HYDRA has drilled into his head”, Rhodes was quite shocked.

 

Back then, Tony suggested that on instinct. He knew not the reason why he would even want to help the man that had killed his family in cold blood, but it bursted from his mouth as if he had been holding it in, and had rolled with it 

 

Tony knew it was going to be hard for a former assassin of HYDRA's to be moving in, and quite frankly really dangerous.  But it was a start to something. A start to his redemption of trying to forgive and let go. It had to be a good choice. Right?

 

So, here Tony was, standing on the first floor of his tower, sunglasses on his face and repetitive sentence of  “Be calm, all will be okay.” being stuck on his lips. Just waiting for Rhodes to walk in with the Soldier in tow. Tony forced himself to be present. Rhodes had told him he didn't mind walking him through the facility himself and letting FRIDAY guide him along the way if need be.

 

However, Tony put his big boy pants on and decided that he  _ needs _ to be here for introductions. After all,  Tony would have to be around the man plenty when he begins the process of cleansing Barnes.Tony  _ was  _ nervous and absolutely terrified. He felt like he could throw up just by glancing at Barnes. But he needed to he strong. And he needed to keep his cool. He  _ was _ the one the threw the idea out there in the first place.

 

_ Boss, Rhodes is here with James Barnes. Would you like for them to enter the building now?  _

 

Now Tony truly felt like he could pass out. He could feel his heart clenching and his breathing picking up to a point up panic. So he sucked in air, and held it in. Forces his eyes close and demanded himself to  _ breath, goddammit! _ He let the air he was holding and took another inhale of it. He releases it and opens his eyes, making himself  _ relax.  _

 

“Be calm. All will be alright.” he whispers to himself before speaking up.

 

“Yes Friday. Go ahead.”

 

FRIDAY did not speak but Tony knew she was already following orders. Tony prepared himself.

 

Rhodes walks into the building first, eyebrows raised up at Tony in question. Tony shook his head and Rhodes seemed to understand,  stepping aside for the other men to come through. 

 

The first thing Tony notices his that the Winter soldier looked just as beat up as he did the last time Tony has come in contact with him. A mess of  uncertainty and anxiousness. 

 

The next thing he notices is how tight his prosthetic arm was clenched into a fist. Tony looked at the technology for a split second,  internally wincing, remembering blasting off the man's old piece that was created by HYDRA. The work must have been done with the technology of Wakanda, remembering that Barnes was in fact hiding there after the whole Siberia situation. 

 

Next he sets his eyes on the ball cap Barnes seems to have on, strings of dark brown hair still falling into his face. 

 

He could see hints of baby blue eyes staring back at him, eyes wide and open. Calculative in some way that made Tony feel the need to stand up taller, to lift his chin up and meet the gaze head on.

 

This man didn't look any better then what Tony would have imagined, and he wasn't sure why that put him at unease. 

 

It was silent as the two man checked the other out before Rhodes spoke up. 

 

“Mr. Barnes? Meet Tony Stark, the man that could possibly make your life better than what it was before.”

 

Barnes seemed to snap out of the trance he was in, glancing up at Rhodes just to divert his eyes away from both men before meeting  Tony's once again.

 

The small smile that the Winter Soldier had put on was… genuine? 

 

“It is a honor to meet you once again,  Mr. Stark.”

 

His voice the gravely and deep and Tony felt the tension that was still gripping onto his shoulders ease away.

 

Tony, for a split second, is seemingly shocked with himself for being at  _ ease _ with the man that has killed hundreds,  including his parents, and actually lets himself droop a little and immediately speaks back.

 

“Same to you, Mr. Barnes.”

 

Rhodes looked between both of them, letting the introduction be said before he went back to serious mode. He stood straighter and looked at Tony in the eyes, as I'd silently asking him for permission. Tony just gave him a quick nod so Barnes went straight into it.

 

“Let's get this out of the way, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> Comments give me absolute joy in my writing and it makes me feel like you guys truly care! I will ALWAYS respon to you all! No matter what, expect me to reply to all comments.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr!
> 
> ThatShipGay  
> stressedbutstillalive


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets a tour around his new home and Tony is already making promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just an early morning update for my amazing readers!
> 
> Tony notices that he's at ease around the former Winter Soldier, but that doesnt mean that he's gonna let his guard down. Fomriendship building is coming along quite fine ilwith these two!
> 
> I would like to thank you guys AGAIN for the feedback I got yesterday. It is just interesting hearing what you all have to say and I truly brings a smile on my face! So please do not hesitate to express in this chapter in any way you'd like. Rant to me how you feel dammit, I am here to listen and rant back lol.
> 
> With that being said, 
> 
> Please enjoy and happy gay shipping

 

 

 

 

Rhodes seemed to remember the new layout of each level, So Tony let him lead, simply walking behind both man without interrupting or speaking to either.

 

Tony tried not to a pay attention, but his eyes seemed to always fall onto Barnes's retreating back.

 

Barnes was stiff in his posture and walk, hand clasped behind d his back as he listened intently to Rhodes as he explained how certain things worked in each area. 

 

By the time they got to the fourth floors, Rhodes has explained to him that he would be staying on this floor for his time in the tower. He then continued to explaining that the next level was now the new floor of Tony's workshop, where Tony would be to help him through his experience to cleanse. 

 

Rhodes didn't say that the six floor was Tony's floors which he’ll admit he was relieved of. Barnes seemed to be in a better state of mind then the last time they were in contact with each other, but Tony wasn't just going to open up about everything. Not yet. 

 

He's just not ready.

 

_ You'll never be ready.  _

 

He ignored his own thoughts and proceeded to follow Rhodes and Barnes in the middle of his new room. 

 

Rhodes had said his quick goodbye to Barnes and walked over to Tony, eyebrows scrunched up in worry. 

 

“You'll be okay?”

 

Tony nods his head, a smile blooming at Rhodes making sure that he would be okay. Tony will always appreciate him.

 

Tony glances at Barnes, whose eyes are shifting around his room in wonder before he answers.

 

“Surprisingly, I think I'll be okay.”

 

Rhodes gives Tony a quick squeeze on his shoulder before excusing himself and leaving both man alone.

 

Tony Stark is now alone with his parents killer, with no suit or any protection just in case something would happen. But, as Tony caught the Soldier's gaze, blue eyes meeting brown,  he didn't truly feel afraid.

 

Alert, but not afraid?

 

Curious more than ever.

 

Barnes cleared his throat,  his head bowed down, looking at the floor. The stiff posture hasn't eased in one bit but at least his arms were hanging by his sides.

 

“I don't know how to repay you or show how much I appreciate you stepping up to help me. It means more to me than you will ever know.”

 

There it goes. The deep, grave voice from earlier introduction, easing its way around Tony, wrapping around Tony's torso and spreading across his body.

 

Tony doesn't understand the reaction but he knows that he feels more at ease than before on the first floor. 

 

Standing several feet apart from each other, Tony shakes his head, waving his arm in the air as if dismissing the gratitude before answering. 

 

“You don't need to repay me for anything. Just trying to get rid of the killer instinct that HYDRA has drilled deep into your mind.”

 

His tone is clipped, and he makes sure his tone is neutral. But it makes Barnes flinch as if he has been insulted.

 

Tony feels shame wash over him like a cold bucket of water and immediately wants to apologize. 

 

He keeps his mouth shut.

 

Seemingly decent and polite or not, Tony doesn't let himself apologize. It was a harsh reality, but Tony felt like he needed to hear it.

 

Tony was bold. He didn't really hold back when it came down to words and how he felt about certain things. His actions were even bolder and just proved how much it meant to him to pull through on promises or what not.

 

So, he doesn't even surprise himself when he takes long strides until he is only a few feet away from the other.

 

He had to tilt his head up a little,  remembering that the Soldier's height was just as tall as Steve's, standing at least six to eight inches taller than Tony himself.

 

He meets Barnes gaze head on, not looking away, even when Barnes tenses up at Tony's sudden closeness, as if Tony  was going to do something, eyes wide and open and  _ blue _ . 

 

“I have a plan that we'll both have to work together for and I promise to try to absolute best and help you. I am not a man that likes to fail, do you understand?”

 

The soldier is quiet for a moment,  eyes still wide and focused on Tony like he can't believe that this was happening. But then his head shakes. 

 

Once, twice. Then firmer and harder, mouth gaping and open, as if he couldn't speak at first.

 

The words are tumbling out of his mouth in a rush.

 

“I understand perfectly well, Mr. Stark. I want to be free of anything HYDRA.”

 

Tony lets a smile spread gently, sunglasses shifting in his pocket from tilting against one hip. He holds out his hand to shake. 

 

“Then we have a deal, Soldier Ice.”

 

If Barnes is surprise by the nickname Tony had thrown out randomly just now, he doesn't show it. Instead he lifts up his flesh hand to shake Tony's hand.

 

_ Warm _ .

 

That's what Tony thinks of  when Barnes hand makes contact with his own. The handshake is firm and quick before both hands are dropped respectively against each man's side.

 

It's seems to be official. 

 

James Buchanan Barnes is finally settling in the tower as Tony Stark's long term guest to get ‘cured and cleansed’.

 

This was going to be interesting. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> I always smile when you guys comment on my work! Comments will truly make my day and makes me feel like I am doing something right! I always respond!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barnes tries to distract himself with how ... well, attractive Stark is by exercising in the training room and ends up getting punched in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone that has been asking when PeterParker would enter this fic, this one is for you ;)
> 
> FIRST OFF, I would like to thank everyone for the feedback yesterday! I might have smile like a total idiot for a minute.
> 
> SECOND OFF, Barnes is just absolutely surprised by how attractive he finds Tony Stark, especially with out his shades on. He doesn't understand why and will definitely try to ignore that fact so don't rub it in his face... yet :)
> 
>  
> 
> Either way, I hope you all enjoy this update!  
> Happy shipping from your friendly sarcastic black gal!

 

 

 

 

 

It's only been a few days since Barnes had moved in to the old Avengers compound and everywhere he went he was fascinated.

 

His most favorite floor so far would be the training room floor. 

 

Stark had everything laid out beautifully, weights, treadmills, yoga mats and so much more facing one side of the room. On the other side, the weapons of choice was just an interesting surprise for him. There sat different kinds of guns and a shooting range in same area.  Knifes, hand grenades, arrows and so may weapons that Barnes doesn't know the name of just decorating the wall. 

 

Barnes was absolutely impressed.

 

He kept to the side where the treadmills sat.

 

It was easy to throw himself into working out. Running becoming a simple way to distract himself from any and all thoughts of the man with brown eyes and a sharp little playful smile forming against pink lips. 

 

Barnes felt absolutely silly. Unmistakably ridiculous to be attracted to the man that has given him a. . . second chance in someway.

 

When Barnes had first walked in with Colonel Rhodes into the compound/facility, he was struck with how easy it was to have his eyes manifested on the man whose eyes were covered by sunglasses. His demeanor was stiff and tense, just as Barnes was. 

 

Barnes truly couldn't tell what the man looked like at first. Not after damn near two years of not seeing him after…

 

He remembers Brown eyes that had no life in them. He remembers a sunken in face, as if Stark was barely surviving. He remembers grief blooming in those eyes when Tony found out the truth. He remembers the pure rage morphing the man in armor facial expression with ease, as if he was used to the rage and the betrayal. 

 

What Stark had showed him  just days before when Barnes had shook his hands is just how bright and focused those brown eyes can be.

 

Barnes hasn't been able to  _not_ think about Stark.

 

Hasn't been able to fall asleep without holding on to the fact that Tony Stark seemed very genuine and determined to help Barnes. Hasn't been able to think properly when he can remember pretty pink lips spreading wide into a small smile. Or the glint in his eyes when promising Bucky that he'd try his best.

 

Barnes felt like, right then and there, Steve and the others were so off and just not right at all about the man they insulted time and time again.

 

Tony Stark seemed to be a real man that follows up on things. Barnes liked that. 

 

Okay, so maybe Barnes isn't trying so hard to stop thinking about Stark. But it was apparently a problem especially today when he hears the AI voice fill the room.

 

_ I apologize Mr. Barnes, but you seem to have a visitor.  _

 

Barnes frowned, having heard the AI voice the first time since settling down on his first night of being here. Barnes didn't know anyone around here except for Colonel Rhodes and Stark himself. 

 

However, just before he was about to reply, the sliding doors are opened and in comes a teenage boy, stalking across him with determination. 

 

Barnes isn't sure who this stranger was, but he calculates what the boy looks like.

 

Short brown hair falling a little into brown eyes. Round but sharp features decorate his face and the kids body was decorated in plain blue jeans and a dark red flannel shirt.

 

**‘I don't remember Stark ever mentioning anyone else being here.’** were his first thoughts,  which made him tense up immediately.

 

Who was this kid?

 

The kid stalked closer to him and Barnes then realized the clenched fist and tense posture. 

 

Just a few feet away and Barnes finally had wanted to speak up, because the kid looks  _ angry _ .

 

“Hey-”

 

He began only to put cut off by the kid’s voice.

 

“You  _ fucking _ bastard!”

 

_ Mr. Parker, I do not believe that it is a good- _

 

Barnes didn't here what else she had to say because all he felt was blooming, intense pain spread against his jaw and bloom across his whole entire cheekbone, heading snapping sharply to the side.

 

Barnes felt the pain that shot through his face, shock and pain visible in his expression. 

  
James Barnes has been punched,   _ hard _ , in the face by someone he doesn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'll will keep on repeating this because I'm just so amazed but,I love you guys for expressing how you feel about this fic. It always puts a smile on my face and it will continue to make me smile. So, don't hesitate to show me how you feel, I will always interact with you all!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter says a few words that may make Barnes pretty sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update because I love you guys too freaking much!
> 
> I don want to point out that Peter doesn't know the full details of all that happened in Siberia. He only knows that Stsrk came back on the verge of death and that James Barnes and Steve freaking Roger's had something to do with that. So, please don't be upset with HIM for expressing his anger on our beautiful baby boy Bucky. 
> 
> He'll find out the truth sooner or later, just like the other Avengers will find out the truth.
> 
> A reader mentioned how Scarlet Witch/ Wanda Maximoff is pretty much evil and loves to get into people's head just for fun. I have been really and truly debating on whether or not she should be the ultimate antagonist in the sequel.
> 
> That's right! I'm already planning a sequel lol. I soon as I am finished with this story, in definitely goin a throw in a second book that will have more violence than anything!

 

 

 

 

Barnes stood shock still, the pain blossoms across his face from the punch the stranger threw at him. 

 

Barnes being the Winter Soldier,  didn't really register pain like he would have seventy years ago. But boy, did this kid have strength of a grown men.

 

He barely registered that the guy was talking to him.

 

“You leave Mr. Stark in an unknown area, plate crushed inward and damn near dying. You think that you can just waltz in and be forgiven like that?”

 

Barnes turned toward the kid, blinking and shaking hi head, trying to focus. He kid was walking back and forth and front of him, gripping onto his knuckles which Barnes is sure sore and throbbing.

 

“I don't know why the hell Mr. Stark would even allow you in here. Why he would even think twice of letting you around him after what you've done! You don't deserve help and you damn sure don't deserve forgiveness.”

 

He was hollering, eyes flashing when he suddenly whipped around to Face Barnes, who tensed up at the raw emotion and intensity that was clear as day in the kids eyes.

 

Oh.

 

So, this kid is someone that is close to Stark. He knows what he did.. knows what happened. 

 

Barnes didn't speak. 

 

Couldn't really.

 

The overwhelming emotion of pure guilt was scratching its way towards the surface, towards his heart.

 

_ Mr. Parker, I suggest you back away from Mr. Barnes immediately.  _

 

The AI's voice fills the room and Barnes flinched, forgetting about her in the last few moments.

 

The kid that went by Parker frowned even harder. He looked up towards the ceiling, throwing his hands up.

 

“He doesn't deserve to be here!”

 

“I think that is my choice to decide, Peter.”

 

The boy whipped around to see Stark himself stalking his way towards then, eyebrows scrunched up in worry.

 

No one spoke. Peter seemed to be in a trance, unable to move at first.

 

But, as soon as Stark was close enough to touch, he threw his whole weight against the man. His face was buried into Stark's shoulder, arms coming up to grip around his back. Stark hugged the kid back, eyes drifting up towards Barnes before falling back onto the kid in front of him.

 

“Pete?”

 

Peter Parker shook his head against Stark's shoulder, his grip growing tighter.

 

“I'm sorry I haven't came by until now. I wanted to say hi but Aunt May was being her over-protective self and wouldn't let me out of her sight and then school was just hectic and everyone is just trying to be normal and I  _ can't  _ be normal-”

 

Stark put his hand on the kids shoulder, only to pull away and look into the kids eyes. His expression was soft and open.

 

Fondness was something that Barnes has been away from awhile. 

 

He felt like he couldn't talk at his  _ open _ Stark was while looking st this kid. Barnes out two and two together to know that these two were close and they cared about each other.

 

He felt like he was intruding.

 

“Hey hey, calm down. It's okay Pete. I understand how you have a lot on your plate right now. No need to explain to me why you didn't come and visit.”

 

Parkers just closed his eyes and shook his head before dropping it back on Stark's shoulder. Stark patted his hair , heading resting against the top of the boys.

 

Barnes felt like he was  overstaying.

 

He made a quick work of getting around the two, keeping his head down and wanting to get out. 

 

_ Doesn't deserve help.  _

 

_ Doesn't fear forgiveness.  _

 

The kid was right and barnes felt it in his whole body. 

 

“Barnes wait.”

 

Starks voice made him stop close by the doors. He turned his head sideways, making a show that he was listening but refused to turn around. He didn't want the two to see how… broken he felt.

 

He didn't want Stark to see how hurt he was. He doesn't deserve to be hurting either.

 

“Peter, I'm sorry about him,” Stark's voice seemed closer, but Barnes refused to turn fully around. “He's just upset with what happened during the whole fight in Siberia-”

 

Barnes turned to him then, realizing that was in fact closer,  just three or four feet way from him.

 

Whatever was in Barnes eyes, whatever Barnes expressions showed, it made Stark take a step back, eyes wide and staring up at his face.

 

“He's right. I don't deserve any of this. I never have.”

 

Before Stark could think of anything to say, he was already out the room, walking away as fast as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> Make me weep with joy with your comments! I will always smile and interact with you all because you guys are just amazing and I love you all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony speaks with Barnes and he feels things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN UP YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!
> 
> First off, I know Tony Stark is like in his late thirties, early forties in the comics and movies, but in this book, I think I'm gonna make hin late twenties, early thirties because I want to. It'll just fit with what I have planned in um... later and more mature updates 
> 
> OKAY, I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS FOR OVER HUNDRED FREAKING COMMENTS AND OVER HUNDRED AND FIFTY KUDOS ON THIS FIC!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
> 
> It means so much to me how much you guys express yourself with how you feel about this story and I am just so lucky to have supportive readers! 
> 
> Tony speaks with Barnes and let's just say that Bucky dear really couldn't hold on to his self guilt and hated of what he's done any longer. And wait... is that... is that a blush on Tony's cheeks?! 
> 
>  
> 
> This update is well... a little wel over 1k and I actually passed 1.5k on this one! Whew, it was a hustle to get this chapter out for you guys today! 
> 
> Considering the fact that the next two days will be busy for me, I am not exactly sure when my next update will be. More than likely on this Friday.
> 
> ALSO  
> I apologize if there is any misspellings in this chapter. I only checked it once

 

 

 

 

Peter didn't stay long in the newly decorated facility. Not because he didn't want to, but because Tony had definitely ripped into him for his earlier actions.

“What the hell were you thinking Peter, punching a former assassin like that!?” Tony had hissed at him when Barnes had walked out on him without much of a backwards glance.

Peter has just glared at him, a frown etching it's way up around his mouth and settling there.

“What were _you_ thinking inviting to live with you?! After everything that happened a few years ago, how could you just let him waltz in here with open arms?”

Tony had sighed, running his thumb and pointer finger against the bridge of his nose.

Peter didn't know the whole story. He wasn't there when Rogers left him into a crumbling mess, ribs broken, face on fire, one of his arms more than likely dislocated. He wasnt there when Roger's slammed his shield with so much force against his chest plate, that Tony really felt like he was going to die right then from the shock and pain of it.

“Mr. Barnes, he….” Tony hesitated what to tell him. Because although Peter didn't know the full story of all what happened during Siberia,  Tony wasn't even sure himself if Barnes _knew_ what Steve had planned.. “Mr. Barnes has served his time for all that he had done. We need to forgive. _I_ need to forgive.”

And Tony was absolutely right. He knows he need to let go of the past if he wants to build a better him. He tells himself this every day when he wakes up in the morning. Even when he feels the ghost feeling of his chest plate being shattered, being _crushed_ under the weight of someone he considered his family, of someone he trusted.

Peter didn't say anything,  but his frown softened a little. as if the kid truly understood his reasoning behind what he was doing.

Peter searched his eyes for a second, as if he was trying to figure him out before sighing and shaking his head.

“I.. I understand. I just… I don't trust him.”

“I don't either,” Tony admitted. “But I sure as hell plan to.”

After that, they both dropped the incident and Tony caught up with Peter's life for the next hour and a half.

He found out that Aunt May was full blown mama bear when Peter had showed up on her doorstep after the end of Thanos. He also found out the Ned a Mary Jane, Peter's two best of friends, literally cried when they showed up to school just two days after and the war being _finally_ over.  Peter also admitted that he feels overwhelmed with the fact that he feels like he has more on his plate than he ever felt before and that senior classes flower more of an hustle then Sophomore work.

Tony promised Peter that he can visit the new facility any time that he wanted, as long as he gave Tony heads up ahead of time.

The hugged it out one last time and Peter was on his way.

So here Tony stands,  in front of Barnes assigned floor and room, ready to knock at the door.

But he was hesitating.

Tony remembers the look in Barnes eyes before he rushed out of the training room. How his eyes, his blue eyes were so… _dull_ and dead. He remembers the words Barnes had said to him before walking out, his his voice cracked and how he seemed utterly defeated with the fact that he truly felt like. . .

Felt like he didn't deserve any forgiveness or to be Redeemed for his wrong doings.

Tony didn't like the way he felt like he had already failed him. How he had already failed the man that had no choice but to obey and complete missions that were murder.

“Friday, could you please ask Mr. Barnes if we could talk?”

Friday's response was immediate.

_Of course boss._

Tony had all but waited a approximate time of fifteen seconds before Friday's voice filled the room again.

_Mr. Barnes said that it's your facility and you shouldn't have to ask to enter anywhere. Of course you can come in._

Starks was amused with that response,  letting his lips lift up into a small little smile before he opens up the door.

Barnes was sitting on the far side of the room beside the desk that Tony had made, his back in view from Tony's eyes.

Tony takes a quick look around the room and notices that it barely looks as if it has been used. Like, Barnes didn't even sleep at night.

  


“You know, I do respect people's privacy, Winter Soldier or not.” Tony says, letting a hint of amusement come through his tone.

Barnes turned towards him, blue eyes clashing with Brown. Tony keeps his gaze on the man, although it feels as if his heart would burst from how intense Barnes gaze was.

His look was calculative,  eyes roaming over Tony's face,  as if he were trying to see if things were okay. He then looked away abruptly.

“I didn't know.”

Tony frowns, confused as in what Barnes meant.

“Didn't know what?”

Barnes hesitated right right, standing up from his chair to turn fully around to face Tony.

“I didn't know until recently what Steve had done to you.”

Tony froze up, body locking up, eyes wide and open at this confession Barnes just threw at him.

Barnes seemingly not realizing the change in Tony's posture keeps on speaking.

“For years now, I thought he just simply knocked you out to get away. That I could live with. But, no. No, he admitted to me not even a few weeks ago what he really did, how he almost killed you.”

Tony didn't move. Couldn't move from his spot.

“And I was _so fucking_ mad at him, Mr. Stark. I was so mad that he went that fucking far, just for me! I didn't ask for him to, I didn't _know_ dammit.”

Barnes was frustrated. Tony could tell as he watched, unable to speak, when Barnes ran his fingers through his hair, gripping and tugging as he began to pace in front of him.

“ I would have deserved it, you know. I _did_ deserve it, when you blasted off the arm that I didn't even want. I would have been perfectly fine with you killing me right there, because I'm fucking monster.”

Tony felt the undeniable feeling of dread and horror as Barnes began to ramble on about the past events.

“Whether or not if I was brainwashed or not, I would have been fine if you just killed me,” Barnes gave Tony a glance before looking away and continuing. “It would have been something I deserved. Because HYDRA had control over me- _still_ has control over me. And it would have been over.”

“Barnes-”

“And Steve, all this time, Steve fucking lied to me! He had looked me straight in the eye and lied to me. I trusted him with everything I had, back then. He is _still_ tries to justify what he did was _okay_. Like, it mattered that we got away. Like he didn't fucking leave you there to die.”

“Barnes-”

“I cannot eve began to express how fucking sorry I am for what I've done. I cannot even tell you how relieved I am to be here because I want to get rid of the very thing that has caused this whole ordeal.”

“ **_James._ **”

Barnes snapped his head  up to meet Star l and stopped moving all together.

Tony didn't even realize that he had made it across the room to get into Barnes view. To touch his prosthetic arm and gripping it to make him _look_ at him. The metal was warm under his touch and Tony just need him to focus on him.

“I forgive you.”

Barnes flinched with that statement,  shaking his head no.

“But, how could you-”

“I understand that everything that you have done was HYDRA and not you. I understand that my parents’ death were orders that you had to obey. It will always be on my mind, I'll be honest, but please never tell me that you wish you were dead. Never tell me that ever again, okay?”

Tony knew his voice was shaking and that his grip would be borderline painful if it wasn't metal he was gripping onto.

Barnes looked down at him with awe and maybe amazement. And he lets his expression soften. Lets his eyes warm over as he looks and listened.

“Now,” Tony says, suddenly realize how close he was and pulling away from Barnes, taking a few steps away, eyes averting to the side as he _knows_ that he is blushing. “let's both try to move on. Because I know that this isn't your fault and I want to help you in anyway I can. I _want_ to make sure that HYDRA can no longer get to you. Just… just trust me.”

It's quiet for a second and  Tony feels like he might have made a fool out of himself for blurting out that last part. Because, how can he ask Barnes to trust him and he isn't sure that he can trust Barnes?

“Yeah,” Barnes begans. Tony looks up again to once again be caught off guard with how warm Barnes's stare can be. “Yeah I can do that. Under one condition.”

Tony was relieved and happy to listen. He was just _happy_ that Barnes wasn't looking like he was already dead. Tony doesn't like that look at all on Barnes's face.

“Yes of course. What would that be?”

Barnes's grin is small, one side of his lips lifting g upward into a crooked grin.

Tony doesn't know why he fucking blushes once again.

“Call me James. I like James.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> I love how expressive a d supportive you guys are. I just absolutely love reading you guys comments and I will never ignore a comment you guys post.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and the others visit Roger's and things get kinda heated!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, since I love to spoil the fuck out of you guys, I should be uploading another chapter later on tonight for tomorrow. I just might give you guys a double upload Saturday because I can.
> 
> Miss. Romanoff is kinda open to how she feels about Stark and some things get a little heated (not really) between Clint and Rogers.
> 
> Also, thanknyoy guys SOOO FUCKING MUCH for the feedback on my last chapter. I just love you all and how you express how you feel. It will always make me smile 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!

 

 

 

“You need to stop walking around like a sad puppy, Steve. It's getting quite annoying.”

  
  


Barton, Romanoff,  and Wilson all sat on the small couch Steve had in his small living room, watching him pace from the relatively small room into the kitchen, hands clenching over and over again, mouth set into a frown.

 

Steve threw a glare towards Wilson, who only lifted his brows, shrugging his shoulders.

 

“Bucky is  _ gone _ , Sam. What don't you get about that?”

 

Natasha watched Sam roll his eyes towards his friend, pure aggravation oozing from his action.

 

“Steve, he's been gone for almost a week now. He is an adult that can do as he pleases.”

 

Natasha watched in some interest how Steve just looked away from all of them.

 

“But, he is with Stark.”

 

Natasha frowned and narrowed her eyes at Steve, as if he were speaking a language even she didn't know or understand.

 

She hasn't liked the way Steve has been acting recently, especially when it comes down to the mention of a man that hides his feelings behind money and jokes that are considerably not funny. 

 

Steve makes it seem as if  Tony Stark had forced Barnes to move out and that for some odd reason,  that irritated her.

 

She will fully admit that she used to dislike Tony Stark. Would call him arrogant, self-centered, and just simply didn't care about how other people felt. However, it has been years since she has observed him. Watched him to make out how he felt, what he was hiding, and any things else that could probably help her with why he acts the way he does.

 

Romanoff knows that Tony hid behind a pretty steady mask. She knows that she lashed out when he is hurt, or ignored. She knows that he jokes around about pretty heavy shit because he doesn't want anyone to know how he  _ truly  _ feels.

 

She also remembers how utterly terrified Stark was after Maximoff had got into his head a few years ago. She remembers that crazed and desperate look he gave everyone when they found out the creation of Ultron. She can also remembers,  regrettably, how the others, including herself, had treated him after the incident. 

 

It was something that to this day, she regret. She wishes that maybe she could have played the whole situation differently instead of playing along.

 

Barton was quick to respond. 

 

“You make it sound like he's a criminal.” 

 

Barton was frowning up at Steve, arms crossed over his chest.

 

Steve openly rolls his eyes that Barton's comment. “You know I don't mean that. Just mean that Stark isn't a good person.”

 

Barton actually scoffed at this. He throws his arms up in exaggeration.

 

“And we are?”

 

Steve freezes and he glares at Clint, jaw ticking and body tense. Barton doesn't back down, he stares straight up at Steve, as if he were eating for Steve to do something.

 

Wilson seemed to get the mood from the room,  realizing that it has suddenly become tense. He clears his throat loudly,  which makes both men look away from each other. Romanoff looks on silently and lets the men speak without adding anything.

 

“We have  _ all  _ done some stupid shit. But let us not forget that we are now pardoned and should not jump at each others throats just because of a shitty situation. “

 

Romanoff would have imagined that Stark would have dramatically rolled his eyes at that.

 

Barton just shrugs his shoulders slumping back against the couch and sighs.

 

He then seemed to perk up, as if suddenly remembering something.

 

“Oh!” he says, eyes snapping up at Steve. “I forgot to ask but I have been wanting to know for some time now. What did Rhodes mean that  _ you   _ are the real reason for breaking the team apart?”

 

Steve freezes.

 

And Natasha, once again, keeps her mouth shut,  wondering what would Steve tell the two, who have know idea what  _ really  _ happened in Siberia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might find out what Steve tells them, or you might not. What do you think he says.?
> 
> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL. 
> 
> You know the drill. Tell me how you guys feel about this chapter because damn do I love hearing from you all. I will always respond and continue to do so!!
> 
> Happy shipping!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper and Tony have a quick chat and Tony and James have a domestic moment . . . Kinda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to give you guys this chapter real quick.

 

 

 

“Are you absolutely positive that you're okay?”

 

Tony had his phone up to his ear as he rummage on through his stack at Stark Paperwork that needed to be signed and sent back. The paperwork was simply about making a new  set of terms and conditions for the company.

 

Pepper had called to make sure he had received the work and they somehow gotten on how Tony invited the Winter Soldier in his home. Pepper has called twice this week already and as much as Tony loved her, he was becoming annoyed.

 

“Pep, for the fifth time, I'm fine. James has been polite and respectful this whole time.”

 

Pepper made a surprised him on the other end before she deadpans, “You're already on first name basis?”

 

Tony mentally chastises himself for letting that little slip up leave his lips. It's just that, Tony has surprisingly fallen so quickly into the fact that James is actually  _ trusting _ him.

 

He gets these little tiny tugs against his heart when James eases into a smile, eyes all warm when Tony says his first name. 

 

He calls his nerves and nothing else.

 

“Tony?”

 

Tony comes back into conversation.

 

“Mr. Barnes,  he… he and I had a little talk. That's all.”

 

Pepper just hums her response. Tony sighs and decides to cut conversation off.

 

“Hey, Pepper I gotta go now.”

 

Pepper seems to protest at that.

 

“Tony-”

 

“I promise to call you first thing tomorrow morning and tell you how I feel about the new set, mkay?”

 

Pepper Diggs and tells Tony that it was fine to her and to make sure that he reads all of the paperwork before they both hang up.

 

Tony sits there for a second, thinking of how Pepper was surprised that Tony is already using Barnes first name. 

 

Tony doesn't think any of it. James has been nothing but sweet and respectful. Distant at most, but altogether, very respectful.

 

Tony finds his way down on the third floor, which is cut into a lounging area and kitchen. The smells of food cooking makes his stomach grumble. 

 

He hasn't eaten since last night and realizes that he's only had one cup of coffee today. He feels empty and doesn't even hesitate to enter the kitchen.

 

James stands with his back facing Tony, hands mixing up some sauce in a big pan, hip slanted out a little to the side.

 

Tony eyes James as he stirs. He can't help but appreciate the view, eyes glued across the expanse of muscle rippling against the shirt he had on. 

 

James suddenly turned around and Tony immediately adverts his eyes away from the man's stare. 

 

He feels the heat crash amongst his face and on the tip of his ears. 

 

James make a pleased notice and speak out.

 

“Stark, hello. I made spaghetti. I was going to ask Friday if you were hungry and would like to come down and eat. I'm glad you're already here.”

 

Stark makes his mouth work, shock oozing in him as he turns to face James with an expression of curiosity. 

 

“You thought about me?”

 

James seems to curl into himself, taking a small step back, hand drifting against the back of his head. He looks uncertain and Tony wishes that he didn't sound so hostile. 

 

It was just that… Tony wasn't used to much people doing..  well  _ anything _ for him. Or for a matter of fact, thinking of him when doing something. He was just surprised. Treatment like this is only seen between Rhodes and Pepper.

 

“Well yeah. I didn't know how to exactly put into words of how much I appreciate you for the opportunity to be… better.”

 

And what the hell is Tony suppose to say to that. 

 

His face softens immediately,  a smile slipping through as he looks at James with a hint of amusement.

 

“You've already said thank you twice this week.”

 

“And I will continue to do so until I feel like it no longer needs to be heard.” James lifts up his chin, as if he were challenging Tony to say something to dismiss him, but Tony just shakes his head.

 

No one gave him a heads up at how sassy Ice Cold ice here could be.

 

Tony just runs his hands together and walks closer to James,  open ease slipping through his whole demeanor. 

 

“spaghetti sounds wonderful right now, actually.”

 

James looks absolutely pleased with himself as he scoots over to let Tony look at what he's done so far.

 

James goes on to tell Tony what he used to make the sauce and Tony thinks of a question Pepper asked him just a few days ago.

 

_ “Do you trust him?” _

 

_ “No.” Tony says honestly. His thoughts going back onto that stupid freaking grin James had thrown at him just days prior.  _

 

_ “But I know I can.” _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> I LOVE LOVE LOVE HEARING FRONYOU GUYS!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony wakes up from a repetitive nightmare and finds himself in the kitchen with James early in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you all I would double update! I swear I spoil you guys too much.
> 
> Tony is pretty much realizing how easy it is to talk to James than it is with most people. I'm telling you guys, they are definitely falling into th obvious flirting friendship! Who doesn love that?
> 
> I just love when I get feedback from you all! It seriously makes me want to cry with how muc you guys give. Your feelings are MY feelings and I will never get tired of you guys.
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Happy shipping!

 

 

 

Tony wakes with a silent scream on his lips. His hand immediately grabs out his chest, scrambling and searching to see…

 

His chest plate is not broken. It is not bent inward or cracked in two different places. He is fine.

 

He is alive.

 

Tony let's out a shaky breath, slumping against his head board, heart rate slowing down slowly. 

 

It was a recurring dream. Has been for over a year now and Tony knows that it'll be difficult to forget. Knows that it'll always haunt him at night when he is utterly alone.

 

He hates it.

 

“Friday,” Tony breathes out, voice croaking and hoarse. “Is the the kitchen available to be used right now?”

 

Friday's response was immediate.

 

_ The kitchen is currently being used by Mr. Barnes at the moment. _

 

Tony looks up at the ceiling at that, brows raised in question. He then checks the clock on his phone to realize that it was four o'clock in the morning.

 

“Has Mr. Barnes been up for awhile?”

 

_ He has been up since 7 o'clock yesterday morning Boss. _

 

Tony cannot help but frown at that. Ue is not absolutely sure why, but he always thought that Barnes was a late riser. Considering the fact that Tony usually doesn't leave from his room until the afternoon and not seeing any of James until close to the evening, he just figured that James stayed up pretty late and woke up the same way. 

 

But knowing that… well, he doesn't necessarily know  _ anything. _ But still, to him,ill it seems as James has been having trouble sleeping.

 

He gets out of his bed and throws on a hoodie and brushes his teeth. He then makes his way down to the third floor. The light over the table is on and Tony peeks his head through the open entrance to the kitchen.

 

James was sitting at the table with his hand wrapped around a pot of something, hair falling over his shoulders and covering up the view of his face. He is hunched over his seat, slouching and looking relaxed for someone that has not gotten any sleep.

 

Tony makes his way into the kitchen and James head snaps into his direction.

 

Brown eyes meet blue for a brief moment before James turns his head to look back down at the in his hand.

 

“Friday told me that you haven't slept all day.”

 

Tony was blunt when making the statement, eyes moving around the kitchen, trying to make casual talk.

 

James grunts, but doesnt look up when he talks.

 

“Can't sleep. Bad dream.”

 

Tony for a moment, only openly gaped at the man, eyes wide. Tony would have never have guessed for James to be honest about something so personal like that. And before he even know it, he was blurting out his own response.

 

“Me too.”

 

He doesn't know why he says it. Would have never told anyone of the vivid and too  _ real _ dreams he has except for Rhodes. But, here he was,blurting it out  to someone he has only known for a good few weeks.

 

It was weird for him to admit that to someone like James. But, he did. 

 

And now he might wonder for a very long time the reason.

 

James turns his head then, eyes sad and understanding. 

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

It shouldn't have meant much. But it made Tony's heart clench and his skin to get all tingly hearing that.

 

“Not your fault.”

 

Tony realizes that he meant it too.

 

He knows who the real person was to blame.

 

James just shakes his head before looking down, lifting up his cup and sipping.

 

“I have everything planned out for the procedure.”

 

Tony says. He now leans up against the countertop, looking in the Winter Soldiers direction.

 

That must have fully gotten James’ attention, disregarding his mug on the table and turns fully to face Tony, eyes suddenly bright and open.

 

“Really? What is the plan?”

 

Tony then begins to tell James of how he is going to stop the triggers from affecting him in detail. He lays it all out right there for James,  looks at him for approval, fear, disinterest, or uncertainty.

 

All Tony got from the look James gave him was determination.

 

Tony smiles mentally.

 

Winter Soldier or not, it's becoming a lot easier to fall into conversation with the men that had murdered hundreds. It's weird in some way. How Tony can easily talk to James, being animated or serious.

 

He has never showed people fully how easy and open he can be during just plain and normal conversations.

 

But he was learning. Learning how to just. . .  _ be  _ with the man sitting in front of him.

 

Funny how Tony is starting to trust him a lot faster than he would have imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL. 
> 
> Will continue to say thatI love hearing from you all! I love to interact with you pretties! Please dont be shy to express how you feel 💖.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony explains a little about the procedure and offers some comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello, how are you beautiful bitches doing?
> 
> Sorry that I have been gone for a few days! Let us just say that: Life!
> 
> Thank you all for any feedback I have gotten!
> 
> Please, do NOT skip over end notes once you are finished reading this short chapter.

 

 

 

 

James sat right beside Stark in a little chair as he explained the first stage of getting rid of trigger words that has been pounded into the depths of his mind. 

 

James be watched intently as Stark pointed the the boards of how it was going to work.

 

“The first wave is to get you to remember  being under HYDRA'S care.” Tony was saying.

 

He fully turned to face James this times, hands crossed in front of his chest. Eyes were shining brightly with determination, face pinched up as he settles onto James face. 

 

“I know that you don't remember much being their little puppet,  but I think it is important to remember what it took for them to get you to obey orders to murder.”

 

James couldn't help but flinch at that,  but he kept his attention of Tony as he continued.

 

“I know it's going to suck once you are finally able to remember what it was like, but it is very important for you to.”

 

James doesn't give away that the information makes his heart clench in a painful way. He doesn't let Tony know that he is absolutely  _ terrified _ .

 

Terrified of having to remember the torture. Terrified of having to obey… having to  _ kill _ .

 

But he knows that he has to do it.

 

No, wants to do it.

 

He is tired of waking up in cold sweat almost every night, on high alert and suspicious of everything until he can calm down. He never knows  _ why _ he has these little episodes,  it has a idea that he has to do with the group of scientists making him into what he is now.

 

A killer.

 

A murder. 

 

The Winter Soldier. 

 

“Hey.”

 

Stark's voice his soft and his touch his warm from where his hand rest on Tony's shoulder.

 

James glances at the small contact that Dtsrk gives before meeting his eyes.

 

His eyes have lost that brightness and blankness of it when he was talking about his plan. 

 

Now he settles onto something warm and open. Cautious but open.

 

James reminds himself that he just recently started to put his trust into his man sitting right beside him. That he doesn't have to wonder  _ why _ anymore but stark has clearly stated twice already that he wanted HYDRA out of his head just as much as James did.

 

He thinks for a fifth time since being in a same presence of Stark, that he is just so fucking grateful for all that Stark is willing to do.

 

“I'm sorry that you'll have to go through this,  but I promise you that it will work out at the end. I don't want Ice Soldier ever coming back to kill on demand.”

 

James snorts a little at the past comment before he clears his throat looking down at his hand. He glances back up only to see that Stark had a pleased look on his face.

 

“I know,” James says, eyes locked onto Stark's. “I know you'll try your best and I believe you when you say that you won't give up. I'm just….”

 

He trails off here,not wanting to admit it out loud. 

 

Tony's hand is still warm and pressed against his shoulder. He gives James a little squeeze before letting his hand drop away from him.

 

“I know.”

 

James shakes his head.

 

“Thank you Mr. Stark.”

 

It was silent for a few seconds before he hears Tony's voice float through.

 

“It's Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that I alot of the comments are, well so against Captain Rogers and I do want to point out that, I am PRO Steve AND Tony.
> 
> I simply just hate the actions that Stevie bear had done in the recent event of the marvel movie Universe and I am letting him suffer.
> 
> And if you guys dont recall me saying YES, I will make Steve suffer for his doings, just like I made Tony suffer in the beginning of this story, but I don't plan on to just bash him through the whole book (60% percent of it, yes. But then again, I have a lot that will happen in this fic of MINE).
> 
> So, endgame will be WinterIron and the avengers will be a domestic team/family by the time the fic is done. Although, spoiler alert, one Avenger (i dunno if she is really considered one...)will be genuinely happy to be back as a family. 
> 
> So, a second part is definitely being thought about.
> 
> With that being said, I would very much appreciate any feedback of you guys expressing how you feel. If you have not picked up on it by now, I interact with EVERYONE!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha has another talk with Steve and she realizes something. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update for you beautiful people. 
> 
> If you can remember the stupid ass thing that Natasha Romanoff had done in CW, then dont worry, she will Definetely be owing up to that. Her guilt for what she has done kinda makes her understand Steve's emotional explanation in this chapter.

 

 

 

 

Romanoff doesn't know why she visits Steve after what happened almost a week ago.

 

But here she was,  arms crossed over her chest as she eyes Steve leaning against the countertop of his kitchen.

 

“I don't know why.”

 

Romanoff wanted to scoff, and roll her eyes at that.

 

Because she called complete bullshit.

 

“You don't know why you lied to your teammates about what  _ really _ went down in Siberia?”

 

Steve flinched at this, and  stood up a little taller, eyes still zoning in on the countertop, not meeting Romanoff's stare.

 

“Nat, I  _ swear  _ to you. I don't know…” he broke off ,eyes clenched tight, jaw working and clenching.

 

Romanoff was confused now. 

 

She would have figured that Steve just didn't want the rest of the team to know what he has done, didn't want them to know how  _ far _ he went.

 

But, now as Steve stood in front of him, seemingly confused and in some type of pain, she seriously couldn't he point out what she thought was going on.

 

She hates not knowing.

 

“Explain.”

 

Her response was clipped and that made Steve glance up at her.

 

His eyes were bloodshot red and she notices for the first time his completely out of character Steve looked at the moment. 

 

Tired. Eyes bloodshot, possibly from not sleeping or crying. Shoulder tense, always tense. Teeth clenched.

 

Romanoff stores this quick observation in the back of her mind.

 

“I promise you Nat, that when Clint asked me about what happened l- I wanted to spill exactly what I have done. But it seemed like,I couldn't,” Steve eyes were wide and bordered on desperate. “I wanted to tell them.. I- I wanted to tell then what I did. Because I  _ kno _ w what I did is wrong, I know it will be something I will have to carry on my shoulder for my life. But I froze up, an-and I thought about Bucky and how he reacted and he's gone because I kept that from him and I just  _ couldn't.  _ I wanted to, but I couldn't. It was like my mind shut down and my mouth wasn't working the way I wanted it to. I couldn't  _ say _ it, Nat. I wanted to just be honest,  and I… I couldn't flat out tell them. I don't  _ know.” _

 

Steve's voice broke off several times as he spoke rushed and jumbled.

 

She didn't even know if she should feel sad for the guy.

 

After all, he has brought this down on himself. 

 

Just like she brought what she had done on herself. 

 

Steve was slumped now, boy just dropping and Romanoff grimaced. She knows what it feels like to carry something such a mistakes with her. 

 

“Steve, you… you need to tell them. Or it's going to take over your kind and  _ ruin you.” _

 

He was just shaking his head now.

 

“Even if I could, I have already ruined myself. As soon I brought that shield down, I ruined everything I stood for.”

 

Romanoff would have been sad. Would have felt remorse and at least some ounce of true understanding. But, something else overrides that.

 

_ What did Steve mean by even if he could? _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmmm, so what did Steve mean? What do you think is going on? If you guys correctly, then you just might get a spoiler...
> 
> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> Please never think that you shouldn't leave a comment just becuase you already did. I will never judge! Plus, I love when I get back more feedback from the readers that have been here since but he beginning. Makes me want to continue:)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James makes dinner and Tony freaks out a little over his prosthetic arm. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listennnnn,
> 
> I am soooo sorry for not updating yesterday like I should have! Let us just say that life really doesnt like me much right now and I dont like it either. 
> 
> This chapter is kinda boring but it falls back into Tony beginning to trust our Popsicle a little Elmore a time goes by. And, there may be a little more touching in this chapter then get other. But I guess you will just have to read it ;)
> 
> Please do not skip over the end notes! Something important to say.

 

 

 

 

Tony doesn't know why he does what he does.

 

At first, all Tony was doing was standing beside James as he stirred the pot of alfredo sauce, mixing in the salt, pepper, and cayenne pepper together. 

 

Then the next thing he knew , he was touching James prosthetic arm, gold and black metal flashing from where he stood.

 

It must have been a reflex to his thoughts. Because, standing close to James as he stirred with his prosthetic arm, Tony suddenly wanting to  _ touch and feel _ came to and he just… touched.

 

His fingers barely grazing over the little patterns of ridges along the arm before he snapped out of it, hand being pulled away and cradled against his chest, as if he burned himself.

 

Oh.

 

Oh no.

 

No no no no no why was he like this?

 

“I'm sorry! I just thought about the patterns and wanted to touch and I just didn't think and I didnt mean to touch you I just-”

 

“Tony.”

 

Tony snapped his mouth shut with the way James said his name, all soft and gentle. He made a show of forcing himself to look up into the soldier's blue eyes.

 

Tony did not see an ounce of James being uncomfortable. His gaze was warm and his there was that stupid grin along spreading along his mouth that Tony grew an interest in.

 

“It's fine. When Wakanda gave me this as a gift and a bribe to fight in the war, all I  _ could _ do was touch it.  It was… different from my other one.”

 

Tony sat there and listened as James begin stirring once again, posture actually calm and tone light.

 

He wasn't upset. 

 

Tony sighs and clasps his hand behind his back anyway,  going back to watching as the sauce thickened, the fettuccine pasta already sitting out on the side, drained and ready.

 

“you're a great cook.”

 

Tony had said instead of going back on topic of the arm that still seemed to intrigue Tony.

 

James hums before turning off the heat and setting aside the post of sauce. Tony inhales the scent and almost groans.

 

“I used to cook all the time before I became a sergeant  for the war, when I was still stationed in Brooklyn. I would come up with all kinds of recipes for what we had back then and just play with the food and season until I found something that hit my tastebuds. Me and Steve would…”

 

James clamps his mouth shut, freezing and and tensing up as he lets out the little slip.

 

A brief flash of pain and regret and  _ anger _  morphed across _his face_ before he turns around from Tony and takes a deep breath.

 

Tony doesn't speak up. He understands in pretty much every way James must be feeling at the moment. 

 

He reacts once again before thinking. He crosses the few feet they were from each other and touches James back gently, before making his way up to his shoulder and down his arm, the metal of the arm warm under his touch.

 

“Let's eat?”

 

His voice was soft and surprisingly the tension and James body leaves from him and he just shakes his head quickly before he turns to get bowls for the two. 

 

They are sitting down in just a few minutes later, one across from the other.

 

As Tony chews onto the delicious alfredo pasta, his thoughts work over time, drifting into a far place. 

 

There were a few things that Tony has noticed within himself as James  continues to live with Tony in some type of wierd truce or peace they had going on. 

 

Tony was opening up to James easier than he has opened up with anyone before, even Rhodes.

 

It was easy to fall into easy conversation with James, Tony seemingly able to just speak and speak without being looked at or judged by the Soldier. 

 

It became a habit for Tony to cheer James up.

 

It became a habit for James to cheer Tony up.

 

Why is it easy to  _ touch  _ the man?

 

Tony had no actually answer for that thought, buti t stuck with him the rest of the night.

 

The two continued to sit together  as they finished off their food,falling into more talk about the soon to be coming first session of getting James to remember. 

 

Tony doesn't want to admit out loud yet but. . . 

 

He just might be able to trust this man sooner.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the fact that I have not written my next chapter for the LanceLot(Lance and Lotor from Voltron) fic of mine, I will not be updating this specific story for at least a week. I am needing to write a good four to five thousand words for my other ofc and will not time to mess with this one.
> 
> No worries, I would be back within the first or second day of March and should have at least three or more chapters already written out. I do a head of time if you were looking forward to regular updates that I cannot give to you all!
> 
> Either way, I would still very much love to hear from you all so:
> 
> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has a very horrific nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello hello! 
> 
> I know that I have said that I wouldn't be updating this story for a week due to my other story, but I changed my mind :)
> 
> Because my silly ass accidentally deleted the whole entire story I was working on and now I am highly upset and annoyed with myself. 
> 
> Either way, I'll need to edit and update that story before I decide to repost it.
> 
> With this updated chapter, Tonyis simply dreaming of his parents murder (kinda. . .) And Steve's decision to slam his shield down against him and well, it's all a big mess and Tony is feeling pretty freaking sad about it.
> 
> Please enjoy this small chapter!

 

 

 

 

_ Tony was frozen in his seat when a man dressed in all black with a metal prosthetic arm came into view on his side of the car. _

 

_ Before Tony could even say anything or react to the stranger, his car door was being forced open and a gun was suddenly pointed towards his head. _

 

_ Eye wide and body rigid, Tony was ready to begin to beg for forgiveness f0r whatever he has done. He wasn't ready to die. He wasn't- _

 

_ In one swift movement, the man with his mouth covered and blue blue  _ **_blue_ ** _ eyes, moved the gun down and shot in right in the chest. _

 

_ But not in the heart.  _

 

_ Sharp and undeniable pain shot right through the wound and surrounded his whole chest. _

 

_ He could hear his mother scream from right beside him as the blood began to seep from his wound. He could already feel the drastic loss from the bullet wound.  _

 

_ He was dying.  _

 

_ He suddenly couldn't breathe correctly. Suddenly couldn't move his body as he watched the killer move from his side over to his mom's side. _

 

_ Dread and fear, overwhelmingly  _ **_fear_ ** _ began to overtake him as his breathing became even more of a problem. _

 

_ He could hear his mothers choked off scream as  _ **_her_ ** _ breathing suddenly  stopped short, heaving gasp of air was coming from just beside him.  _

 

_ He couldn't move couldn't move couldn't  _ **_move_ ** _ - _

 

_ A snap was heard from beside him and suddenly there was no more movement coming from the women who discreetly showed how much she cared for him. _

 

_ She was dead. His mother was  _ **_dead_ ** _ and suddenly,  suddenly he was able to breathe. Suddenly he was able to take him painful gasp of air, moving all at once to turn.  _

 

_ But he couldn't turn fully. He was terrified of what he would see. _

 

_ Terrified that he would see his mother's dead eyes staring back at him. _

 

_ Hand suddenly came up to clench against his chest and… _

 

_ His chest plate was smashed inward. _

 

_ He was suddenly on the ground , body hurting all over, breathing not easy and body in shock. _

 

_ He looked up into the man eyes. The mean he thought he cared for and trusted. _

 

_ They didn't give anything away at that moment, but that cruel  _ **_cruel_ ** _ smirk was what took over Tony's mind. _

 

_ That shield. That stupid shield was being lifted again- _

 

_ “Steve  _ **_please-”_ **

 

_ The shield that used to represent justice and integrity was brought down even harder on his chest, certainly breaking the piece that was apart of him. _

 

Tony woke up with a silent scream on his lips, hands immediately scrambling against his chest.

 

Save.

 

Intact.

 

Not smashed in.

 

No wound.

 

_ Sad sad sad. _

 

Tony just fell back down against his pillow, trying his best to calm his heart rate before Friday picked up on that he woke up from a horrendous nightmare. 

 

But, of course,  Fridays Knows.

 

_ Boss, are you alright? _

 

Tony wasn't quick to answer her like he usually would. 

 

Because all that kept coming to his kind was the scream from his mother. The gasp of air she tried to take as the Soldier gripped his metal arm around her neck. The  _ snap _ and silence from her…

 

Tears were already sliding down his face silently, no sound actually coming from him.

 

He let them come. 

 

He let the feeling of powerless and weak and  _ anger _ and just so so so much  _ pain _ take over.

 

_ Boss? _

 

“I'm fine.” his voice broke as he spoke.

 

_ Mr. Stark- _

 

**“I'm fine.”** he snapped and suddenly cringed.

 

Friday didn't say anything else.

 

And Tony was left in the silence of his bedroom,looking up at the ceiling with the feeling of everything just overwhelming him.

 

But Tony Stark was used to this.

 

He just hopes that he didn't have to be used to it for the rest of his life.

 

Because, quite frankly,  he was  **_tired_ ** of feeling anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL. 
> 
> You all already know how much I really like hearing from you all! You all should know by now that expressing how you feel through this story makes me smile! I will always interact with you and respond!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Tony get ready for whole process of rejoining Jame's memories. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James is literlljust a ball of nerves in this Chapter and Tony isn't any better. But, the seem to groun each ither at the end.
> 
> PLEASE READ THE END NOTES!

James was nervous. 

 

Really nervous. 

 

He sat in the chair Tony had provided from him, head leaning back against the wall the chair sat against.

 

Tony had something taped against the side of his head and was messing with his computer that he had now  set up along the table top that was closer to James. Fingers were typing away, a small little frown along his lips as he looked along the screen.

 

He then let's out a sigh, broken and loud. He seemed to be just as nervous he was and for some reasons that grounded James.

 

“I have the computer corresponding with the small machine  connected to your head. Now, I want to tell you that you'll feel a few sets of shocks running through to connect to your memory sensor for specifically your long term memories. It will not hurt at all, but you will feel it like a little buzz against your skin. We are going to try and see if we can pull up the first memory of your first actual mission. Do you have any recollection of your first memory?”

 

James tries to remember,  but only tiny bits of missong pieces came up. All he can remember is a lot anger, pain, and yelling  and  _ pain _ .

 

His shakes his head no to answer Tony's question, trying to ground himself. He was not under their hardcore influence, no longer around them. He is safe.

 

He is with Tony.

 

Tony doesn't necessarily point out that James was tense, but he does continue on to explaining.

 

“I designed this to work by picking up a small flashes of memory and bring it to light by focusing on that. Which should turn into a full blown memory. It is set up to pick out and figure out how everything falls into place, from beginning to end.”

 

Jane's sat silently and simply listened to Tony's explanation, not interrupting once and focusing on the smooth tone of Tony's voice.

 

James takes a good look at the man and notices how tense  _ Tony _ is himself. He notices the black circles that have formed over his eyes.

 

James then wonders if Tony has gotten any sleep for the past few days. 

 

Has he even eaten? James has sat in the kitchen and ate alone for the past two days with nothing but his thoughts and Friday's voice filling the room every now and then. 

 

This must be really stressful for him, James realizes. 

 

Having to set everything up only to help a killer remember shit that they have done? James would be stressed to.

 

He just hopes that this whole process doesn't stop the developing process of their newly friendship coming along. Because if James somehow fucked this up, if he somehow made Tony stop smiling at him with actual warmth in his eyes, he would not know what to do with himself.

 

James is brought back to the present,  sitting in a chair with Tony's resting his hand along his bicep.

 

Kames looks up into those pretty brown eyes of his and sees concern, actual real concern,  and maybe a hint of uncertainty surrounding the look Tony was giving him.

 

“Are. . . Are you sure you want to go through this?”

 

James moved his prosthetic arm on instinct,  reaching over his cover Tony's hand with it. He gives it a small squeeze and it secretly satisfied that Tony doesn't tense or pull away from him, just simply squeezes his bicep as if to reassure himself also.

 

“Even if I am not absolutely sure, I trust you.”

 

Tony looks down at James, the frown slowly turning into a grin, eyes flashing with warmth. James really like seeing Tony smile.

 

“You do?”

 

James response was quick. 

 

“More than anything.”

 

The raw truth of his statement kind of threw him off guard, but he knew he wasn't lying to himself or to Tony.

 

Somewhere for the past few months of living in this tower and living with Tony, he grew to trust the man with his life. 

 

It's crazy how they turned out now.

 

Tony just stares at James, as if trying to point out a lie and doesn't seem to find one.

 

Tony's grip along his bicep just tightens as he glances down along the ground, a small dust of pink spills a little over his cheeks.

 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii,
> 
> Was I was noticing how for the last four or five chapters I have uploaded, there has been very few comments or feedback from you all. And I was trying to figure if I had done something to offend anyone or piss anyone off.
> 
> Now, I dont mean to sound pushy or anything, but when I say that you alls comments keep me pushing and going, I REALLY AND SERIOUSLY MEANT THAT.
> 
> You alls comments give me something to work for, something to look forward to. I have been slow with my updating because I am just not sure if I personally did something to offend someone! Like, I am seriously trying to figure it out. 
> 
> Like, could it be me stating that Steve was gonna be dragged through the mud BUT will forgiven eventually? Was it me stating that this fic is mostly NOT Steve Roger's friendly until closer to the end? I dont know and I am freaking the flip out over it. 
> 
> Sorry for my long ass rant and either wat I hope you are enjoying the story, feedback or not.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winter Solider is very much confused. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> This chapter is the first memory of James being the Winter Solider and shit, Winter is just so confused and this is chapter is just kinda and really sad.
> 
> Sorry not sorry!
> 
> Wanted to kind of point out that this chapter kinda of Mark's a new arc coming for this story.
> 
> Also, I would like to thank you for all of you alls feedback from ylmt last chapter. I was going through my last few chapters and understand that I more than likely was being over dramatic and over exaggerated. I was just freaking out and terrified that people were dropping like flies and was no longer enjoying this story. But I see now that I was more than likely just scared. I'm a insecure bitch, dammit. Sorry if any of you felt like I was being pushy and shit!
> 
> Either way, please enjoy.

 

 

 

 

_ The Soldier knew what the mission was. _

 

_ His commander have told him at least twice before he left base. _

 

**Find target.**

 

**Kill target.**

 

_ It was a simple mission.  _

 

_ And as far as he can remember, which isn't much at all, It was his first mission.   _

 

_ However. . . _

 

_ However, as Winter stands in front of the man that could not be no older than 30 years old with a gun raised to his head, he couldn't pull the trigger. _

  
  


_ His eyes were blank, his stance was stiff, and the voice in his head kept telling him to finish.  _

 

_ Finish what he came here for.  _

 

_ Complete the mission.  _

 

_ It was a command, he  _ **_had_ ** _ to do as he was told. _

 

_ But he  _ **_couldn't._ **

 

**_Why?_ **

 

**Who am I?**

 

_ Winter was confused.  What was the reason behind him having to kill this man off in front of him? _

 

_ The man looked absolutely terrified, body frozen as he  stood staring up at Soldeir with wide and frightened and troubled eyes. _

 

_ “Please.” _

 

_ The man begged.  _

 

**Why was the man begging?**

 

**Why are we needing to kill this man?**

 

_ This man is the target. This man is the mission. _

 

_ He has to complete the mission.  _

 

_ “Daddy?” _

 

_ A small and confused little voice filled Winter's ears and his whole head snapped in the direction it came from. _

 

_ A little girl .  _

 

_ A little girl about the age of five or six stood and looked at the scene in front of her with wide and frightened eyes. _

 

**Why was she frightened?**

 

**This was what he was order to do.**

 

**He doesn't disobey orders.**

 

**Right?**

 

_ Wait? Who was he again? _

 

_ They called him Winter Soldier. They told hin that he was a gift that came to them. They told him that he was a good soldier and followed orders. They told him that he was meant to obey.  _

 

**Why?**

 

_ It was like a switch. Looking at the little girl, his face morphed. His body went rigid.  His body was moving before he could think. He was talking. _

 

_ Talking so fast and moving,  scrambling away. Scrambling away from this mission. _

 

“ _ Out. Get out! Leave! Now! Now now now **now**.” _

_ He knew he was babbling. _

 

_ But he could see the little girl's father cry out with fear and just run away,  father right behind her as he can see that the Soldier was no longer a. . . Threat. _

 

**Threat?**

 

**Why was he trying to kill them in the first place?**

 

_ It was an order. The Soldier wasnt allowed to break orders. They said he wasn't even able to. _

 

**What year is it?**

 

**Why am I here?**

 

**Who am I?**

 

Who am I?

 

_ The Winter soldier was gone and all that was left was a man that wasn't sure what his name was. Wasn't sure where he came from? Wasn't sure why he was even here. _

 

_ As he dropped onto the ground of the targets house, He realizes was a stranger to himself. _

 

_ He doesn't even know how long he just sits there, broken and confused and absolutely  _ **_terrified_ ** _ but soon is greeted by a voice. _

 

_ “ I am disappointed in you Solider. You failed. It seems like you'll be going back under until we can fix you up and make you better.” _

 

_ The man barely even noticed that he wasn't alone anymore. _

 

_ “W-what?” _

 

_ A shout was heard and then a gunshot was soon followed.  _

 

_ The man began to hyperventilate.  _

 

_ He couldn't breathe correctly.  _

 

_ Where is the little girl? _

  
  


**_Where is the little girl?_ **

 

_ Out of desperation of some kind and wild blue eyes looking up at the person standing in front of him, he gripped hard onto the mans leg. _

 

_ “Don't   _ **_touch her!”_ **

 

_ The man looked quite shocked with how much the man must be speaking. _

 

_ “Don't you  _ **_dare fucking_ ** _ -” _

 

_ Bright pain smashed against the side of his head and he was soon unconscious.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James wakes up from his first memory and Tony feels like-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just start off by saying, Tony is seriously all over the place in this mini chapter and will continue to he all over the place until he can get his emotions in check. James does not help much either 🤷🏾♀️.
> 
> Please enjoy!

 

 

 

 

James has been slack in his seat for over fifteen minutes and Tony was beginning to worry.

 

He knows that this is exactly what is suppose to happen. Hell, he had it set up for this to happen.

 

The technology is suppose to put you in a “sleeping or closed off” state for a certain amount of time before you're supposed to wake up on your own and out of the memory you were just in.

 

Tony know he shouldn't be worried,but he  _ was.  _

 

_ God _ he was so worried James.

 

He didn't like the fact that he needed to remind James or bring up the past for his healing.

 

He didn't like the tenseness and nerves that was oozing out of James like goo rightbefore he went under, even if James tried to reassure him that he was okay with it.

 

Tony didn't like hurting James.

 

He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

 

Here he is, worrying about a man that has killed more than Natasha herself and not even thinking of the fact Tony should be more cautious of the fact that he didn't take any awareness or steps of just in case the soldier himself wakes up instead of James.

 

His heart dropped a little and his hands began to get a little clammy.

 

Why  didn't he just tie James hands up when he went under? 

 

Actually,  why the hell did he just sit there and stare at Jame's face over the past fifteen minutes, pointing out and drawing out the small little feature that interested him?

 

He blushes, despite the situation,  and tries to ease the weird butterflies that surround his stomach and chest.

 

It barely works really.

  
  


But oh gosh is Tony worried.

 

He doesn't want Jame's to wake up scared and terrified or angry and pissed. He knew he was gonna get one or the other and it didn't settle or ease anything that he worried about.

 

He was still in his thiughts about what he should have done differently when James jerks up, as I'd he had just woken up from a terrible  _ terrible  _ dream.

 

The look on his face, eyes wild and wide, face scrunched up into anguish, proves Tony right.

 

He was scrambling to stand up, trying to move and comfort, to  _ touch _ , mouth moving a mile a minute.

 

“James, oh my god, it must have been horrible. I am so sorry I had you go through that-”

 

A snarl was ripped from James throat, the sound sounding feral and  _ danger _ and Tony froze just a few feet away from him.

 

James was moving and scrambling just as much as Tony was to reach out, except James was moving  _ away  _ from Tony, rushing to get distance between them.

 

His hand was out, pointing at Tony , eyes still wide and frightened, still so terrified and heart breaking that it hurt to see.

  
  


“Stay back.”

  
  


Jame’s tone was deep and serious. 

 

Tony, being the person that he is, ignors him.

 

He began to walk towards him once again.

 

“James-”

 

“Dammit Tony,” Tony was some relief wash over him when he hears his name slipping from James mouth. “Stay away from me!”

 

Tony stood where he was, looking at James with ease  _ and  _ hesitation. 

 

“Are… are you okay?”

 

_ Wow, that was such a stupid question. _

 

James had begun to to walk backwards once again, shaking his head but kept his eyes trained on Tony. 

 

“I need to be alone.”

 

Tony, instead of agreeing and actually being rational for once, let's his mouth run.

 

“No, you’re fine. I don't like the thought of you being alone-”

 

“Tony,  _ please.” _

 

Tony shuts his mouth and stares up at the men in front of him. 

 

Broken blue eyes meet concerned brown eyes.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Tony knew he sounded defeated. Knew that he wasn't hiding his emotion or keeping them in check. 

 

So, it didn't surprise him when tears began to roll down his cheeks silently.

 

James stares at him, as if hesitating to stay,  but just turns on his heel and walks out.

 

Tony just crumbles onto the hard floor and buries his face into his hands.

 

It was only the first memory and there was certainly dozens of more to go.

 

But, why does Tony feel like he has already failed James?

 

Why did it  _ hurt _ so much that James turned away from him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James speaks to Tony after the incident. They have a beautiful but sad moment. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually written well over 800 words on this one, YIKES.
> 
> Honestly, this is just mixed with a lot of angst and emotion. I am sorry a head of time for this chapter.
> 
> James just pretty much owns up to his hurt and feelings. . . Kinda 🤷🏾♀️.
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy you lovelies but this a pretty much setting off on a whole new arc!

 

 

 

 

 

It took James the rest of the night to calm down.

 

The next day is took almost the whole entire day to just leave his assigned room.

 

It was damn near almost midnight when he finally decided to just leave his room and finally go down to the kitchen area and grab something to eat.

 

His heart was heavy and his thoughts stood frozen on Tony's distressed expression from the day before.

 

Those pretty brown eyes James loved looking into were sad, broken and desperate all in on. Tears running down his cheeks and mouth set into a frown.

 

Other than the sad and just... _ so so sad   _ recalled  memory holding onto him, It was the only thing that seemed to fill his mind for the entire day.

 

Tony looking broken and defeated.

 

Tony reaching out for James even after he told him to not get any closer.

 

Those desperate replies falling from his mouth like he feared that James was going to leave him and never come back.

 

He had begged for James to stay, tried to talk over James's instinct reaction to the  _ stay away _ . To keep Tony away from any harm's danger, scared and terrified that he would lash out and hurt the only person that seemed to care and  _ understand  _ him.

 

He refused for that to happen. 

 

No matter how badly James wanted to give in to Tony's plea, he had to get some distance between them.

 

Had to stay away. Had to keep him safe.

 

Now?

 

Now he was really needing to see Tony. 

 

He wanted to tell Tony that he wasn't giving up. He wanted to tell him that he wouldn't leave unless Tony specifically wanted him to. Wanted to tell him that he wasn't a quitter, that he still believed in Tony just as much as he did before. That he just freaked out, had to gather his thoughts. That nothing has changed.

 

_ Except everything has changed _ .

 

He had asked Friday if Tony was up and moving and her answer was that he was in the kitchen.

 

So, now James is making his way into the kitchen. stomach empty and heart stuttering in his chest.

 

The first step into the kitchen, James notices that Tony was slouched and leaning against the countertop by the coffee machine.

 

James stopped the urge to just sigh, already picking up that Tony getting coffee was to stay up.

 

_ Did he get  _ **_any_ ** _ sleep last night?  _

 

He gathers his courage to speak.

 

“Tony.”

 

Tony snaps his head and and turns around so quickly and faces James.

 

James felt his heart break even a little more.

 

Tony looked a _ mess _ .

 

Hair wild and all over the place, wide eyes bloodshot and red and still seemingly wet, and those dark circles James seemed to just fucking  _ hate _ were back under those pretty eyes. 

 

He let's out a stuttering breath, mouth slightly open as if he were in shock to see James standing right there in front of him, several feet away.

 

“You. . . Your here.”

 

His voice was broken and slightly hoarse.

 

James gave him a small but sad smile.

 

“I'm here. I'm-yeah Tony-”

 

“Oh my god, your  _ here. _ ” Tony interrupted.

 

James wasn't sure who took the first step, or how it really happened,  but suddenly James had Tony in his arms.

 

Tony's grip around his waist was tight and firm, he face buried into James chest as he let's out another burst of breath.

 

James held back just tight, metal arm encircling Tony closer and his flesh arm rubbing small little circles against his back.

 

The hold on his heart seemed to break and burst and he just  felt. . .

 

“Oh my god, you didn't leave me. You didn't leave me and your still here. I'm sorry, I am so sorry! I promise to fix it. Whatever it is, I promise to fix it. I can fix almost about anything just let me know  _ try _ -”

 

Tony was babbling in James shirt and James just shook his head.

 

“Tony”

  
  


Tony stopped talking and freezes in James hold, as if he feared for the worst.

 

“Tony, you did nothing wrong okay,”  he couldn't let Tony take the blame for this. He  _ refused _ for Tony to just blame himself. “I just freaked out and… I didn't want to hurt you Tony. I had to stay away from you, I just… if I were to hurt you, I would never forgive myself.”

 

James voice was soft and earnest, the truth oozing and wrapping around his words.

 

He just seems to keep on surprising himself with how serious and  _ real _ it feels to admit this.

 

Tony sniffled a little his grip going a little slack. He lifts up his head a little to meet James gaze, heading tilting and leaning up. 

 

“I wouldn't have cared.”

 

James sucks in air, eyes scrunching up at how  _ wrong _ that seemed. 

 

“Tony, no-”

 

“I wouldn't have cared,” Tony says again, voice sharp and loud and clear as he breaks James off, eyes held steady and wide under James gaze. “I wouldn't have cared if were to hurt me, even if it were just a little. I know you would be able to stop yourself. You would  _ never _ hurt me.”

 

James felt like a fucking fist was holding onto his throat, squeezing and tightening its hold onto him.

 

“I hurt you before.” his voice was shaky and broken, but his grip didn't falter onto Tony. “I… I hurt so many fucking people. Innocent or not, I am a killer. I am a monster.”

 

Tony was shaking his head, fierce and blazing brown eyes staring into James cold blue eyes. “ _ No, you are not.   _ You are not a monster, James. Not to me.”

 

He felt his heart stutter once again. He felt his lungs fill with air of  _ Tony  _ And gosh he have never been so fucking addicted to anything in his life but this man… this wonderful man in front of him was making him feel wierd.

 

He swallowed a little.

 

“I'm sorry Tony. I'm so sorry sweetheart.”

 

He knows his voice cracked, he knows that body is trembling. 

 

He knows that the little hiccuping sounds he has been trying to hold onto are spilling from his mouth.

 

He cant hold back the sorrow, pain, awe, and just….

 

_ Love? _

 

_ Attraction? _

 

_ Affection? _

 

God he didn't know but god he could stop the tears that were spilling.

 

Tony cooed a little and released his hold to only pull Kanes down a little more so he could hurt his face in his shoulders arms wrapping around James neck.

 

“You'll be okay,  James. I promise to help you. I won't give up. Not now, not  _ ever.” _

 

James just buries his face into Tony's neck and inhales the scent of metal and apples.

 

_ God, he Hope _ s  _ so _ .

 

Because he can't afford a broken heart and a broken mind.

 

Not when he has Tony.

 

He can't afford to lose Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> ANY COMMENTS ARE WELCOME!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finally realizes something. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is, I TOLD y'all that this is a set of a new arc for this story.
> 
> A lot of realization is going around, huh?
> 
> Sorry, not sorry at all.
> 
> Enjoy

 

 

 

 

Tony tries not to just stare at James for the next few days, but fails dramatically. 

 

Ever since the aftermath in the kitchen area, Tony has been _observing_ James a lot more than usual. Ever since Tony literally threw himself into James arms and damn near cried because he was just so . . . _relie_ ved, Tony could not help how he eyes would travel towards James direction everytime he was in the same room as him.

 

He remembers how the beautiful prosthetic arm wrapped around his waist, the cool metal grounding him to that moment, making him focus and realize that it was  _ real.  _ That James didn't leave.

 

Tony wasn't going to lie to himself. Once James had rushed out the of lab after that first memory and him crying his fucking eyes out because fuck, he felt absolutely shitty and horrible, he convinced himself that James had left.

 

He told himself that James will no longer want nothing to do with him. That he was so upset and scared and left Tony to deal with the guilt on his own. 

 

He truly convinced himself that when he didn't see James at all the day after, James was long gone and never planned on coming back.

 

Yeah, maybe she shouldn't have freaked out like that.

 

Or maybe he shouldn't have accepted immediate failure and insulted himself about how much of a failure he was and has always been.

 

Let's just say that Tony has been hard on himself for that whole entire day.

 

He had broke down twice thinking that James, seemingly happy and pliant and needy sweet James, left him. He broke down with the memory of pretty blue eyes and crooked and dangerous grin and a shiny black and gold prosthetic arm.

 

Then. . . Then when he saw James just standing in the kitchen, asking to speak, asking forgiveness, he broke even more.

 

It is rare for Tony to show how vulnerable he was in front of people,  except for Pepper and Rhodey. It was rare for him to so much as show weakness in front of the ones he trusted and cared about.

 

When did it become so easy for Tony to trust James?

 

When did he  _ care so fucking much? _

 

Tony pretends to fiddle with the tool in his hand as James takes a tour around his lab, running strong fingers along several items. 

 

Tony watches, almost mesmerized, how James back flexes in the long-sleeved t-shirt he was wearing. 

 

He wonders what those muscles would look like if he did not have on a shirt. He wonder how it would  _ feel _ to run his fingers along the ripples of moving muscles.

 

James turns his head a little and catches Tony staring.

 

Tony pretends to be just glancing at him and gets back to messing with what he had in hand, pretending as if the blush creeping along his neck and resting amongst his cheeks was not noticeable.

 

He looks up again, because  _ god _ he can't help it,  and catches James staring back at him.

 

The lift of mouth twitching upwards has Tony's heartbeat pick up, his breath stuttering and his mind go blank for a second. 

 

He looks away, flabbergasted and blushing like a mad person. 

 

Tony has a crush.

 

Tony has a huge fucking crush on James Barnes, the Winter Soldier.

 

Oh.

 

_Oh._

 

Rhodey is going to be so upset with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!!


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James makes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so sorry for taking so long to upload this chapter. Life issues have been real shit. My anxiety is picking up and my old eating habits has also. Losing weight have been a struggle recently.
> 
> Oh well 🤷🏾♀️.
> 
> This is simply a filler chapter! Just a lot of feels in this in all honesty!
> 
> PLEASE READ END NOTES!

****

 

 

 

 

After having the third memory being brought to light just a few days ago, James was distracting himself with getting to work in the kitchen. 

 

He was making meat and cheese sauce for the lasagna he was making, the cooked pasta sitting out on the side, waiting to be smothered and put into a baking pan.

 

He was so focused on the task at hand that he doesn't notice Tony waltz in the kitchen. However, he does hear the question that Tony throws his way.

 

“Once I am done with rejogging all of you or dark Winter Soldier memories, would you maybe like to be my personal chef?”

 

Is was a playful question coming from hin, since Tony is always talking about how his food always taste wonderful.

 

James snorts,  eyes still focused on the meat and cheese sauce at hand, adding a little bit more mozzarella cheese in the mix after adding the cheddar cheese.

 

“I bet you'd like that.”

 

Tony's reply is quick.

 

“Well duh, which is why I ask in the first place.”

 

James sighs and rolls his eyes playfully at the ceiling. He turns the sauce on low and turns towards the genius standing behind him.

 

He was greeted by a wild,  dark hair and a lazy little smile splayed out against his lips. Dark brown eyes twinkling and shining with playfulness that James has not seen since the first incident of James- No, the Winter Soldier's memory. 

 

James quite liked this side of Tony a lot more than exhausted Tony with red eyes and dark circles under his eyes. It was refreshing in James mind.

 

He would always rather see Tony happy and relaxed and calm over anything else.

 

James notice that they're both sizing each other up. As if looking to see if there were something wrong with the other.

 

Tony must have noticed James still tense shoulders because he reaches out a grab a hold of his hand, metal against flesh.

 

James tries not a show how much he wanted to tub Tony closer towards him just so he can wrap his arms around him. Just so he can have Tony in his arms again, just like the emotional and intimate hold they had on each other just a few weeks ago.

 

“We can take a break from gaining yoyr memory, James.”

 

His voice is so soft and gentle, but James shakes his head no.

 

“No. I much rather push through it then let the memories get to me.”

 

Tony had a frown on his face now as he looked up at James, sad eyes baring into Blue ones.

 

“I don't like how you've been in some type of panic attack every time you come back from a memory. It bothers me.”

 

The last part is almost whispered, vulnerability showing as bright as day.

 

Jane's feel his heart stutters and can't help but think how they they have come to get to this point. To be as open with each other than ever before and pretty much lay there feelings down in front of each other.

 

There fragile friendship was blooming more each day the spend time together.

 

James was very pleased with the fact.

  
  


“I'm sorry that it bothers you, sweetheart.”

 

There goes James once again, using such a intimate nickname on the man in front of him without a second thought.

 

“But, we both knew what we were getting into after that incident. We both knew that it would take some type of toll on me. And that's okay but I have I  _ you  _ to pull me back from those horrid thoughts and memories.”

 

James may have been laying on the last part without caution.

 

The way Tony's smile bloomed and lit up made James consider his second alo up a win.

 

Tony sighs, squeezing the metal hand a little before letting his hand fall away and outs a little distance between them.

 

Nothing else was necessarily said, so James turned back towards the sauce and began to lay out the past amongst the pan and spreading the sauce over each layer. 

 

Tony silently watched, humming and oohing every now and then.

 

By the time James put the lasagna in the oven, Tony was speaking again.

 

“Hey, so Peter was planning on visiting this weekend.”

 

James turns his head to face him, eyebrows shooting up a little.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah so, I was just wanting to know if that was okay with you.”

 

James blinks at him.

 

“Why do you feel the need to ask me, Tony? Of course it's okay with me, this  _ is  _ your place.”

 

James watches the red bloom across Tony's cheeks.

 

“I just. . . I don't want you to be uncomfortable, that's all.”

 

James couldn't help reaching out to grab Tony's hand with his prosthetic, rubbing his thumb against Tony's knuckles, which made those pretty brown eyes glance up.

 

“As long as you're around, I'm sure I'll be perfectly fine.”

 

The answering smile that Tony threw a James just made him warm with affection for the man in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Rogue Avengers will be seen in this very next chapter! I know a lot of people have been asking for them lol, sorry for taking me so long to add then back into the story. 
> 
> So. . . Brace yourself 😘
> 
> ANY FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL!
> 
> ALL COMMENTS ARE WELCOME!!!


	34. Author's Note

 

 

 

 

Due To my complete lack of ideas to carry on with this story. I will unfortunately have to put this beautiful story on hold!

 

No worries! I do have a lot that I am wanting to do with this story! I just came to a dead end of how Inwanr things to fall into place. My ideas have ran through my head over and over chapter by chapter and I am usually quick to know what I want to do and how I want to carry on for an upcoming update. However, I am nist simply unable to let my ideas fall into place to fit the theme or the scenes. 

 

Om top of my lack of great scenes and swift ideas and dialogue, I am also exhausted with beating myself up over it at the moment.

 

I am not sure when the next actual update will be! I might be within a few weeks or it might be within four months. I would understand if any of you that actually enjoyed the story would want to pull out! I would not be upset of the fact! 

 

While this is being on hold, I can still try to at least write a few chapters and just  _ try _ and see how I am liking it! So, when I am ready to come back to this story, I will have plenty of updates to follow up!

 

For you all that has showed love and encouragement I appreciate and thank you!

 

Much love,

 

Your friendly black gal Ali 💜

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be discouraged to check out any of the few works I have uploaded on my account!


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve sits and thinks about how it came to this. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of finally watching Endgame, and at least feeling good enough tohave this chapter ready for everyone that truly decided to wait, here you all are.
> 
> I would like to simply say thank you for all that decided to give me time and wait for me to get my creative bone back.
> 
> My updates for this story are still considerably going to be slow.
> 
> Please Enjoy

 

 

 

 

Rogers was absolutely exhausted.

 

His eyes kept on closing, drooping and unable to stay open as he listened to Clint speak to Sam about something that didn't concern Bucky.

 

_Bucky._

 

 _His best friend. The man that has had his back until recently. The man that he had lied to. The man that walked away from him because he was just too he couldn't get the_ **_goddamn_ ** _words out-._

 

Immediate pain ran through his brain and clashed against his skull, like someone was trying to rip his mind open.

 

He grunts, squeezing his eyes cut and let the sharp pain dull down.

 

He's used to it. It may be painful to _feel_ it, but was numb to the reason why.

 

"-Eve. Steve."

 

Rogers  looked up, the pain coming down to nothing and he sighed with relief.

 

"Yeah, sorry. Just had a headache."

 

Barton looked Steve over with a quick calculative gaze and grunts.

 

"You look like you're gonna pass out any second now."

 

He wasn't wrong. Steve literally felt like if he could just rest his head for a while, he might sleep for a whole day.

 

But he simply can't sleep. At least, not for long time. Hasn't been able to sleep properly for a long time. Years actually.

 

He shakes his head and makes his way to sit down on the chair across from the two, trying to make himself seem as if he were more alive then just five seconds ago.

 

"I'm fine."

 

Same chimes in.

 

"No, you're not. You've been saying that for months now."

 

It was quiet for a second as Steve looked away from both of them. His arms crossing over his chest, a little vulnerability showing on his face

 

He doesn't want them to see it.

 

"Just been thinking about stuff. Can't sleep."

 

His voice and sharp and his answer was simple and true.

 

He _has_ been thinking about a lot of stuff.

 

Like how he's no longer waking up in the facility he once called home.

 

Like how it felt to see Bucky standing in the middle of a road, Winter Soldier on front and in charge, the manipulation of HYDRA wrapped around his head.

 

Like how Stark used to always roll his eyes, call him some silly ass name before saving his ass for the millionth time.

 

Like the broken pain and rage plastered on Tony's face when he attacked Bucky once he found out Bucky killed his parents.

 

Like how he looked utterly fucking _defeated._

 

And Steve _still_ brought down that shield.

 

 _Still_ brought it down when Tony was defenseless,  had given up. Layed on the cold floor with no hope left in him and Steve _still_ -

 

"You're doing it again."

 

Steve snapped his eyes to look at Barnes, eyes blinking to focus back in the present. On now.

 

"I know. Force of habit now a days."

 

Both men gave him a look, trying to figure him out without physically asking, without verbally knowing. . .

 

And now?

 

Now. Steve was sure they would never know.

 

Steve focused more on the topic at hand. Listened to both of them go back and forth, speaking on the new accords, speaking on what can be done what can be changed.

 

Steve just sat back, never saying or uttering a word.

 

Because, _god_ did he want to.

 

He wanted to just spill out what he's been keeping to himself for all these years.

 

Wanted to tell them the actual truth of that fatal day in Siberia.

 

What he kept from Stark.

 

What he let happen.

 

What he could have _prevented_ damn it.

 

What he could have avoided.

 

Now?

 

Now he unlikely to never speak the truth.

 

If he were to utter a word about that incident to anyone, tell then the truth about what happened _he_ did, what he _caused_ , he is just as well dead.

 

The one person he thought he could trust was keeping him from telling the truth.

 

And Steve felt like a complete idiot for even telling them in the first place.

 

Tony had warned him. Tony had warned him if he kept that _witch_ on the team, that bad things were bound to happen.

 

And now he is suffering the consequences of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who actually guessed right, good for you :)
> 
> I have been gone for a hot minute so...
> 
>  
> 
> COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James can't help it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter!
> 
> This chapter is kind of steamy. James just cannot help himself. 
> 
>  
> 
> PLEASE READ ENDNOTES!

 

 

 

 

James wasn't exactly sure how it happened. Had no idea when the urge burst through his chest and spread to his heart and hands.  

 

Didn't know when he had always felt the need to  _ touch _ Tony. 

 

He know when it started. Not even a full two weeks, and every time Tony is close by, James had the urge to run his fingers down his arms. Had the urges to run his hands through the his hair, which sprinkled with a little gray. He wants to hold onto Tony's hip, wanted to tug him close, tug his head upward so he could kiss him and rub his thumb against the patch of skin he was able to reach.

 

He wondered if Tony would shiver and tremble if he metal hand made contact with his skin. Would he quiver with need..what would he reaction be if He was bold enough to just run his metal hand down that  ass that James seems to get distracted from-

 

He let out a shuddering breath, letting the water run down his back as he tried to ground himself back to the present.

 

He ran his hands through his wet hair as the hot water hit his back and ran down his body.

 

Gosh, he really needs to stop thinking about Tony like that.

 

They just became friends. Just became comfortable enough to tease each other, be in close proximity within the other with no tension. 

 

It was nice. It was super nice, actually.

 

But as weeks go by, as Tony continues to help him through his memories, he finds himself wanting to surround himself with Tony's warmth. He finds himself wanting to touch Tony  _ all the damn time. _

 

It has been consuming him for the better part of him as Tony continues to be open and pleasant with him. And gosh, when Tony would smile at James when he came out of a memory recollection, tensed but aware of where he was, he wants to just tug the smaller man in and miss those lips until he was jelly I'm his arms.

 

He wanted to run his hand down his spine, feel the curve of Tony. Wanted to rest his hand right above the curve of his ass and tug the man against him so that they were completely flush against each other.  _ God, _ he imagined what sounds Tony would make whe James touched him, kissed him like that.

 

Would he be quiet and pliant? Would there be small little hums leaving his mouth when James touched him in the right place? His he needy? Would he touch just as much as James would? What does he sound like when he moans?

 

James couldn't help it. He really couldn't. The next thing he knows, he's reaching for his hard member and rubbing his thumb against the head. He let's out a soft groan as  he teases the slit, his mouth falling slightly open.

 

He wonders what Tony's looks like on his knees. He wonders would Tony be all about a challenge and want to see how much he can take of James in one go? Or would he be an absolute tease and work his way up and down his cock,  that sinful tongue swirling around the head like a professional.

 

Or perhaps Tony is innocent,  but eager to please. Maybe Tony would curiously run his tongue the head of James and would want to simply have  _ more _ .

 

"Fuck."

 

His hand his now wrapped around himself, the hand gripping almost too much to be comfortable. But, fuck it's been a long time since he let himself do this. It's been way too long that he le's himself indulge in pleasuring himself.

 

He begins to move his hand back and forth, pleasure shooting deep in his stomach and he can't help but letting out a groan, unshamefully soaking in the feel of it.

 

Shit, what if Tony was on his knees. Would he like to take control and take James length like a fucjing pro and moan against the heaviness now sliding down his throat. Would he want James to take control? Let James wrap his hand in his hair and move his hips back and forth? Would Tony like that? James fucking his mouth?

 

God, it sounds so good to James. He can just fucking imagine Tony letting James grab him by the back if the neck and push himself all the way inside? Does Tony have gag reflexes? What if he didn't? What if all 8 inches went in without much trouble at all? Fuck, would Tony be needy then? Would he moan with his mouth being full? Woukd he grip James Thighs and hope that James gave it all to him?

 

James knows he was close, embarrassingly so. He can feel the deep warmth and tightness building yo in his stomach.

 

God, would Tony also touch himself while sucking James? Would he be unable to help himself from rubbing one out as James throat fucked him? What would he sound like coming while James slid his length in and out of that sinful mouth? Would it be deep and throaty, even with his mouth full. Or would it be like a high whine, drawn out and loud. 

 

" _ Fuck. Oh  _ **_fuck_ ** _." _

 

He can imagine himself increasing the pace, just as he is now, he can imagine slamming into that tight hole of a mouth and demanding Tony to swallow it, demanding him to  _ take it _ .

 

he lets out a broken out cry as he spill in four hard strokes along his length, eye squeezing shut as he feels his body buzz with the aftershocks of it all.

 

He almost leans against the shower wall, his whole body falling forward, but stops himself.

 

Yeah, he's definitely fucked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, I swear I didn't mean to ghost on this story for almost a month. Just been working on my other two works.
> 
> Drama is coming for the next few chapters!


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper is VERY observant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being gone for almost three weeks. I swear I don't mean to. Just been updating my other works and completely keep forgetting that I already had the chapter written out for this story. 
> 
> Plus, ya know... life.
> 
> Enjoy this short filler chapter either way!

Ever since Pepper heard Tony call Mr. Barnes by his first name, she knew that the two would end up being closer.

 

But hell, she had no idea that the two were crushing on one another.

 

I mean, of course she doesn't  _ exactly  _ know if Tony was into the Winter Soldier.

 

But where she's standing now looking at Tony grin up at Mr. Barnes for making some particularly stupid joke about DUM-E had her believing that she was right.

 

Pepper came by unannounced. She didn't even think of calling ahead of time to see if Tony was available like she probably should have. 

 

She's pretty glad she didn't.

 

The first thing she realizes when she enters Tony's lab is, oh my, they are definitely sitting really close to each other.

 

Tony seemed to be munching on something while he spoke to Barnes about something, eyes wide and hands moving comically as he explained.

 

Pepper wouldn't have thought much of it, as Tony tends to get really excited when speaking of anything about science, robots and creations, but she notices Tony's hand rest on Barnes leg.

 

It was seemingly all so casual and easy, how Tony seemed to be at ease with the Soldier. How both seemed to be genuinely enjoying each other's company that it made Pepper blink at what she was witnessing. 

 

Oh boy, Tony definitely likes this one.

 

The way he giggles,  _ giggles  _ at whatever the Soldier had said made Pepper simply raise her  perfectly arched eyebrows.

 

She takes in the soft look on the Soldier's face, as he looks pleased that he was able to get another laugh out of Tony.

 

That's interesting.

 

"Huh."

 

**Oh crap, she said that out loud.**

 

Tony lets out a small squeak, jumping back a little from Barnes, putting some distance between the two of then as he catches Pepper's presence, eyes wide.

 

"Peps!"  Tony had exclaimed, an immediate smile morphing on his face as he takes in sight of her.

 

She grins brightly back at him, hair down and flowing down her back, as she knows she looks good and professional.

 

She takes a quick glance at Barnes, who is now standing up with his hands clasped in front of him, calculative eyes taking her in.

 

_ Good. _

 

"Hello Tony."

 

Tony makes his way over to her.

 

Eyes lock and she deliberately glances back at Barnes before meeting Tony's eyes once again. 

 

The form of a blush dusting on his cheeks just confirms her first thought.

  
  


Neither say anything about what is  _ needed _ to be said, but winstead Pepper goes into some paperwork that is needed to be looked into for Stark Industries. 

 

Pepper was gonna let it go. 

 

For now.

 

(But, she will definitely make sure to put a call in to Rhodey. . .)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the next update will be within hopefully just in two weeks. I am currently jiggling, two other works/stories, two jobs, and Culinary Arts.
> 
> I would still gladly appreciate your comments.


	38. Chapter 38

I am super sorry for leaving this story for well over two months. I had put this on the back burner for the development of my the few works.

Unfortunately, since I have come to a complete and rough stop on this story, I will have to call it quits. For NOW at least. I don't mean to completely abandon this story and I definitely planned to edit previous chapters that have misspellings and such. 

I plan on at least leaving this story up for some time. Once I am ready to edit and have my groove back for this story that had so much potential, I may remove it off my page until I am deemed ready to at least reupload it. 

Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience

**Author's Note:**

> ANY TYPE OF FEEDBACK IS BETTER THAN NONE. 
> 
> I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE THAT IS WILLING TO EXPRESS HOW THEY FEEL. 
> 
> follow me on tumblr-stressbutstillalive.


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